Title: Return Of Teh Jedi
Description: Now with 417% more comedy!
Description: Now with 417% more comedy!
GoldenSama - March 1, 2008 12:06 PM (GMT)
Attention to Detail: Less
Focus on Comedy: More
In the ethereal darkness of space, all is quiet and surreal. Until, suddenly, giant yellow letters flash across the skies, lighting up the blackness.
Kimi Cakeeater has returned to her home
planet of Tatooine in an attempt to rescue
her friend Han Sama from the clutches of the
vile gangster, The Hutt.
Little does Kimi know that the GALACTIC
EMPIRE has secretly begun construction a
new armored space station even more powerful
than the first dreaded Death Star.
When completed, this ultimate weapon will
spell certain doom for the small band of
Rebels struggling to restore freedom to the
galaxy . . .
All at once, a triangular Star Destroyer flies by. As it does, it opens fire with several emerald colored lasers, destroying the giant letters.
3...
2...
1...
Go!
GoldenSama Stories
Presents
A
[SK&WS]
Spoof-Story
The Star Destroyer heads to a large, spherical shaped space station. The Destroyer is now approaching the new and improved Death Star. In the skies behind it, there is a small green moon called Endor.
Inside the Death Star, the room is filled with Stormtroopers and Imperial Guards. A small shuttle flies inside and lands, a few moments later a door opens and a ramp comes down. The man who exits the Shuttle is none other than Lord CHoW.
“'Sup.” CHoW yawned as he exited the shuttle. “Oh Commander, I know you're here...”
Stepping out of the darkness is the Station's Commander. A tall, unhappy man with a bald head. His name is Commander Payne, the leader of this Station. He walks out and crosses his arms, looking at CHoW unhappily.
“...Lord CHoW. This is an unexpected pleasure.” Payne said, his face so unhappy that he did not look like this was any pleasure at all.
“Yeah, yeah, quit lying to me. I'm here to keep this station's construction on schedule.”
“I assure you, Lord CHoW, we are working as fast as possible.” Payne said quietly.
“Yeah well, I can find new ways to motivate them.” CHoW replied.
Payne was getting nervous. “I-I tell you, this station will be operational as planned.”
CHoW yawned again, obviously bored by the Commander. “Whatever. Tell it to the Emperor when he gets here.”
Payne paused, his face as white as a sheet. “T-T-The Emperor is coming h-h-here?”
“YEP.” CHoW grinned. “He's coming here, and he's going to want to see this place going full force.”
Payne nodded. “We shall double our efforts. Triple them, if needed.”
“You better.” CHoW had a devilish twinkle in his eyes. “The Emperor is not as forgiving as I am.”
A stormtrooper approached CHoW from the right. “Sorry sir, I can't validate your parking.”
CHoW paused, sighed and muttered to himself, and then spun around and sliced the stormtrooper in half with his lightsaber. “That's okay, dude. All is forgiven... Say Payne, how about getting me a latte? ... Payne?”
Payne had fainted.
On a lonely, windswept road in the desolate Tatooine terrain, two robots head down the road as sand blows and the twin suns burn overhead. Their destination is a gigantic gray palace that sits on the road ahead of them. The home of Tatooine's most dangerous resident: The Hutt.
“I don't like this place...” Taz2-Z2 sighed to herself. “Joha Calrissian vanished while investigating The Hutt, and I haven't heard from Chewvenger either...”
The two robots on their way – one a small purple R2 Unit and the other a bottle cap gray bender – stop at the gigantic door of the old palace. When they finally reached the gigantic door, a strange metal hatch opens and out comes a small, robotic eyeball. It blinks twice, and then a voice is heard.
“Hallo! Have you come to sell cookies? Or Gingerbread men? Oh, I love Gingerbread men! Hahah!”
The top of the purple droid lifts up suddenly as a brown-haired girl pops her head up into the sunlit desert. She wipes some sweat off her forehead and sighs. “Sometimes I think I should just forgo the whole robot thing...”
The door opened suddenly in front of them, revealing a room full of vile, disgusting mutants. Several large green pig-like men stood, and next to them were a bushel of zebra-stripped people who were covered in scales.
The same voice spoke again. “Welcome to The Hutt's Palace! I'm your tour guide, NARF!”
Taz2 and Bender traded confused expressions, then they looked down to the ground. A small white mouse, no bigger than a candy bar, stood before them. He had his tail wrapped around his forehead and hanging down the side, like some crazy hairdo.
“Alright then, follow me!” The white mouse grinned stupidly, turned and bound off into the next room. Taz2 shrugged and rolled after him, while Bender paused.
“I'll catch up with you. I want to look around.” He paused. “And by look around, I mean loot the joint. Heheheheh.”
Far down the hallway, Taz2 came upon a gigantic, wide room. It was full of vicious galactic gangsters, including a man in blue with a green afro and a blue-haired woman in a leopard spot bikini. In a corner, there was a giant blue elephant sitting at a keyboard.
In the midst of the room is a gigantic throne... and in the middle of the over-sized throne is a small, white mouse with an over-sized head. He was the one and only Hutt, master of Tatooine.
“Hit it.” The Hutt ordered. The elephant at the keyboard started to play a tune...
“They're Pinky and the Hutt.
Yes, Pinky and the Hutt.
One is a genius, the other smells like a butt.
They're alien mice, your genes they will splice.
They're Pinky. Pinky and the Hutt, Hutt, Hutt, Hutt, Hutt, Hutt, Hutt: Hutt.”
“Excellent.” The Hutt stood up. “Now... who are you?”
Taz2 blinked and once again appeared from her robot shell. “I came with a message from Kimi Cakeeater, Jedi Knight.”
Taz2 slammed the lid back down and from the small projector on the top of the droid a hologram appeared. Glowing blue, Kimi Cakeeater looked different than she had a month ago at Cloud City. She was dressed in black, with her hair curved around either side of her face. One of her hands was adorned with a black glove.
“Greetings, Huttso. I'm Kimi Cakeeater, Jedi Knight and friend of Captain Sama. I know you're powerful, and your anger with Sama must be equally powerful. Regardless, I'm going to show up there in a few days to bargain with you for Sama's life. I have a gift for you too... these two droids... although I'm sure Bender is busy stealing your stuff and not there. Anyway, enjoy the robots!”
The hologram disappeared. Taz2 sweat dropped as she popped out of her robot pod. “So... um... I guess I work for you now.”
The Hutt nodded. “Indeed you do. Now... go get me a latte!”
Taz2 blinked. “That's one of the weirdest reoccurring gags we've ever had.” She paused and then leaned on the edge of her robot shell. “So, Mr. Hutt, you think you'll be up for a bargain with Master Cakeeater?”
Hutt laughed. “Me? Give up my favorite wall decoration? I think not.”
Taz2 looked to a nearby wall, where the frozen block of carbonite containing Captain Sama was hanging like a old portrait or a Christmas wreath. She blinked. “Man... I'm working for a psycho.”
Before The Hutt could launch a response, the sound of a gunshot filled the room. A moment later, one of Hutt's guards tumbled down the stairs. Behind him came a mysterious figure in a red and yellow armored suit. Next to the suited bounty hunter is a furry individual: Chewvenger!
“Hutt. I'm here to collect the bounty on this fuzzball.” The bounty hunter announced.
The Hutt blinked twice and put his tiny hands together. “Chewvenger... it's been a long time.”
“Yo, Hutty. I got an eternity of fur jokes because of that job we pulled for you, so the way I see it, we're even.” Chewvenger muttered.
“And the way I see it, you should die a painful and slow death; then we'll be even.” The Hutt replied.
Chewvenger shrugged. “Yeeeeeah... How about – OUCH!”
The bounty hunter hit him on the head with a armored hand. Then the bounty hunter turned to The Hutt. “I want the bounty on him. Now.”
The Hutt put his hands together in thought. “... I can pay you twenty five.”
“Fifty.” The Bounty Hunter replied.
“NARF!” Pinky randomly interjected himself into the conversation.
“Why should I pay you fifty?” The Hutt asked, raising a eyebrow.
The Bounty Hunter held up a small, silver ball. “Because I am holding a thermal nuclear detonator.”
The quiet of the room was shattered. Several of the monsters and aliens ran to the corners and hid; the man with the green afro sighed and muttered something like: “Next time Jet's doing this crap.”
The Hutt paused for a long time, and then, after a while, he began to laugh. “I see... You're ruthless, calculating and a total scumbag. I like this bounty hunter. Thirty-five thousand.”
The Bounty Hunter deactivated the bomb. A moment later, the crowd resumed the festivities. Two piggy guards grabbed Chewvenger and led him away into the depths of the dungeon. They passed a man in red armor on their way . . . the bounty hunter named Cojo Fett.
Cojo Fett paused and then slipped off into the darkness. He had a feeling this new 'bounty hunter' was either very good, to be able to catch Chewvenger... or up to something.
At the corner of the room, Chewvenger is given to a different guard. This one is human, and wearing a mask. Chewvenger struggles at first, but then notices that beneath the mask is the face of Joha Calrissian. He stops struggling when she gives him a wink and leads him off to the dungeon.
A few hours later, night has fallen on the palace. The room is quiet, it's only residents the unconscious Hutt and a few of the party goers who passed out on the floor. Suddenly a shape creeps through the darkness: The Bounty Hunter.
The stranger bounty hunter creeps to the wall and faces the block of carbonite that is Captain Sama. Raising the gun-arm, the hunter shoots a powerful heat ray that causes the carbonite to turn red and then melt away.
The smuggler coughs as he comes back into consciousness and falls on his face, coughing. “Blagh... my mouth taste like metal.”
The bounty hunter props him up. “You were frozen in carbonite.”
Han Sama blinks. “I can't see.”
“It is a side-effect. Your eyesight will return in time.”
The Captain reaches over and touches the face of his rescuer, feeling the oddly-shaped metal, he moves back. “Who are you?”
There is a pause as the bounty hunter removes the mask. “... Someone who loves you.”
“Rose!” Han exclaims, overly cheerful. “Whew, for a minute I thought my robot stalker was back.”
“... You know, I was going to kiss you, but you completely ruined the moment.”
“I have a habit of doing that.”
“This is all very fascinating,” The Hutt's voice suddenly chimed in as the lights turned on. “But I think I've seen enough.”
Han sweat dropped. “I know that voice... Hutty! Listen, I was going to pay you back, honest!”
The Hutt let out a sigh. “It's too late for that, Sama. You were a good smuggler... but now, I'm going to feed you to my pet sand worm. Take them away!” The Hutt commanded.
Pinky chimed in. “Oh, wait Hutt! Can I have the girl? I need a new partner for my ballet routine.”
The Hutt sighed. “Very well, Pinky.”
In the dungeon, a door opens and Han is thrown into a shallow puddle of water. He is still blind from the carbonite sickness. Suddenly a pair of furry arms picks him up.
“I see the escape plan worked about as well as ever.” Chewvenger sighed.
“Venger? What's going on, pal? I can't see.” Han muttered.
“Don't worry. Kimi's got a plan.” Chewvenger replied.
Han shook his head. “Kimi? Kimi's crazy. She can't even take care of herself, much less rescue anybody.”
Chewvenger shook his head – then he realized Sama couldn't see him. “Look, she's a Jedi Knight. She'll save us.”
“A... Jedi Knight? I'm out of it for a little while and everybody gets delusions of grandeur.”
The next morning, the main gate of Hutt's Palace lifts suddenly to flood the darkness with blinding light. A silhouetted figure descends the stairs into the main room of the palace. This figure is clad in a robe similar to that of Obi-Wan Spoonobi, except completely black. The figure had neither a laser pistol or a lightsaber.
As she reaches the bottom of the stairs, two giant guards block her path, and Pinky strides up.
“Oh! Hello! Sorry, no one's allowed in right now. We're executing some prisoners today! Hahah!” Pinky exclaims.
Kimi Cakeeater throws back her hood. “Alright mousey, let me see the Hutt.”
“NARF! No can so.” Pinky replies.
Kimi waves her hand. “You will take me to the Hutt now.”
Pinky drops his arms at his side, his eyes swirling with hypnotic suggestion. “Follow me!” He marches off down the hallway. Kimi follows behind, grinning from ear to ear.
Pinky leads Kimi into the throne room runs over to the giant chair and it's tiny occupant. Pinky jumps on The Hutt's stomach, causing the big-headed mouse to suddenly wake up.
“Pinky, you idiot! Don't do that!” The Hutt scolds.
“Hahah, hello Hutt! So, the Jedi girl is here to see you.”
The Hutt sighs. “I told you not to let her in.”
Kimi yawns. “I must be allowed to speak.”
“She said --”
“I heard her, Pinky! Go to your room!” Hutt yells at Pinky. The downtrodden mouse sighs and hops away with one final 'narf'. The Hutt turns around to look at Cakeeater.
“You are the Jedi?” The Hutt asks.
“Yeah, that's me. Listen up, mouseketeer, I'm taking Captain Sama and his friends with me. You can say 'okay Kimi, anything you say' or I can kill you. Savvy?” Kimi crossed her arms, a smirk on her face. The Hutt didn't seem amused.
“Kill me you say? No... I don't really like that idea... nor do I feel like giving up my favorite wall decor. So how's this for an idea?” The Hutt jumped up onto the armrest of his chair and stepped on a button. The floor beneath Kimi gave way and she fell down into a deep, dark pit.
Kimi landed on her feet at the bottom of the pit and looked around. This room was completely made of the red rocks that made up most of Tatooine. A light layer of sand covered the ground, and high above her head she could see the small mouse, The Hutt, and his monstrous gangster buddies looking down at her in glee.
The Jedi turned her head to her left and noticed a giant caged wall. Raising an eyebrow, she saw the steel gate lift up. A second later, a horrible monster emerged.
The mighty beast roared!
Kimi backed up. “Geez, you're scary ugly.”
The monster roared again and started forward at her. She ran and ducked beneath it's reach, running behind it. The vicious pig-like beast snarled and spun around. Kimi frantically looked all over the room for some kind of weapon.
She finds one... a rock.
“... Well, I'm dead.” Kimi sweat dropped. The monster ran at her, ready to eat her whole. She jumped up using the samurai-like speed of a Jedi and landed on the monster's head. Grabbing it's mane, she pulled up and made the beast run out of control into the side of the prison gate it had come from. It slammed its head hard into the gate and fell onto its side.
She jumped away and retrieves the rock from her pocket. With a mighty toss, she manages to hit the control switch. The gate falls onto the monster, impaling it and ending it's evil reign.
“... Like I said, no sweat.” Kimi dusted off her hands. A door to the side opened and for a split second she was face to face with Cojo Fett: Then he blasted her with a stun ray and she fell into unconsciousness.
“Booyah. That counts as a victory for me.” Cojo Fett grinned.
“Think again ninja boy, this isn't canon!” Kimi yelled back.
“IT STILL COUNTS!” Cojo Fett yelled back.
“NUH UH!” Kimi replied, then she grabbed a second rock and threw it at him.
The Hutt sighed and rubbed his head. “Apprehend the prisoner! Take them all to my sand barge! And then get someone to patch up the fourth wall before this whole building collapses!”
“NARF!”
“... Someone besides Pinky.”
A few hours later, The Hutt and his gangster buddies are partying again aboard the sand barge – a mighty amber-colored ship that sails across the sand of the desert. On the front deck of the ship, The Hutt is seated in another too-big-for-him chair. To the side, Kimi Cakeeater, Han Sama and Chewvenger are all standing on the edge of the ship, their hands shackled and large pig guards watching them.
“Well, kid, thanks for the rescue. Things are going so well, if I didn't know any better, I'd have thought I planned it.” Sama's sarcasm was working just fine. His eyes were still unresponsive.
“For a guy who was a chandelier a few hours ago, you sure do complain a lot.” Kimi replied with her own sharp wit.
The Hutt yawned loudly, and then called attention. “Alright. We're here. The pit of doom!”
He paused. “Before your deaths, I will allow Pinky to entertain you all.”
A door opened and out came Pinky, followed by Princess Rose. Both were dressed as ballerinas. Pinky began to dance like a fool, while Rose just stood there and sighed. The Hutt rubbed his head for a moment and then turned to one of his pig guards.
“Throw them in the pit too.” He ordered. Pinky blinked as he and the Princess were suddenly thrown in shackles and led to stand next to the others.
“This rescue is going great.” The Princess was in a sarcastic mood too, it seemed.
“Rose? That you?” Han blinked.
“Yeah, it's her. And yeah, he's still blind. And both of you just need to relax! I have a plan.” Kimi crossed her arms and leaned back against the railing, apparently unafraid of what was going on.
“NARF!”
A moment later, Taz2 rolled out from the back of the barge. She parked in a corner and waited, apparently sharing Kimi's relaxed attitude on the situation. Seconds later, Cojo Fett hurried up to the group, holding his blaster at them.
“Well, looks like it's time to throw you guys into the pit of doom. I've got my camera ready.” He grinned happily behind his helmet.
“You know what Fett, you can go eat a lemon.” Sama crossed his arms and said in protest. Unfortunately, he was facing the wrong direction and instead was speaking to Kimi. She shook her head.
Kimi stepped forward, led by Fett to the edge of the ship. She was ushered onto a pirate-like gangplank that led out over the pit. Cojo Fett stood behind her, his blaster now set on 'extra crispy' instead of 'stun'.
The Jedi turned to The Hutt. “This is your last chance... free us, or be destroyed.”
The Hutt yawned. “At least I won't have to hear your empty threats after you're eaten. It takes one thousand years for the pit to digest humans, you know.”
Kimi blinked. “That's nice. But I'm serious about the killing you thing.”
The Hutt nodded. “I'm sure you are.”
Cojo Fett seemed impatient. He jabbed Kimi with his rifle and she moved to the very edge of the gangplank. She turned with a grin back to the ship and jumped off – as she did, she grabbed onto the plank with her hands as she fell and used it to spring herself back up to the ship. Taz2's lid opened and she popped up, throwing a small shiny device towards Kimi.
The Jedi grabs it and activates a bright green lightsaber. She spins cuts her shackles and spins around, slashing apart two of the pig guards.
On the edge of the ship, a human guard in a mask suddenly hits one of the pig guards near Kimi's friends, knocking him off the edge of the sand barge and into the pit of doom. The remaining pig guard throws a punch at the human guard, knocking off her mask and revealing Joha Calrissian.
“HEY! Han, Venger, Rosie, I didn't actually lock your shackles!” Joha yelled at them.
“Huh? Is that my OLD BUDDIE!? Which direction is she, Venger, I want to know where I should yell.” Sama, still a bit bitter, yells.
“Aww, forget it Cap'n Hairclub. Let's just deal with the Hutt.” Chewvenger replies – then he grabs the pig guard and lifts him up, showing his superior strength. With a toss, the pig guard is thrown into a crowd of gangsters, crushing them.
The Princess throws off her shackles and tosses them at a nearby gangster, rendering him unconscious. She then charges off towards The Hutt's chair. The Hutt yelps as she appears and attempts to run away – only to meet with her shoe.
“See, this is why mice make horrible mafia bosses.” Princess Rose nodded wisely.
Meanwhile, Sama is staggering around, still blind and still in shackles. “Hello? Is anybody here? Kimi? Rose? Venger?” As he wanders, he accidentally bumps into Cojo Fett. The bounty hunter had been ready to shoot Kimi from across the deck – but in a wacky coincidence, Sama happened to bump into the launch button on his jetpack.
He flew up, up, up into the air – and then ran out of fuel. “... Oooh, that's what I forgot to do this morning!” Cojo Fett slapped his forehead as he realized he'd never refueled – then he fell into the pit.
Kimi, who was on the far deck slashing wildly at the guards, paused and looked over the side. “Hmm... maybe this should be canon afterall.”
“NO!” Cojo Fett's voice drifted up from the pit.
“YEAH!” Kimi yelled back.
“NO, TOO LATE!” Fett shouted.
“Aren't you being digested?” Kimi replied.
“Oh yeah... AUUUUUUUUUUGH!” Cojo Fett yelled once again.
A second later, the sand barge began to shake and rattle. Pieces of it fell into the pit and the supports began to crumble.
“Aw, crap!” Chewvenger yelled. “They broke the fourth wall, again, and now the ship's crashing!”
“What fourth wall? Where? I don't see one.” Sama replied, looking around wildly.
“You're blind.” Joha reminded him.
Sama shrugged. “Actually I got my sight back a few minutes ago... I just don't see a fourth wall in general.”
There was a brief pause. “... Actually, you might be right on this one.” Joha admitted.
“Less talkie, more escape-e!” Kimi commanded as she commandeered a small sand speeder from the side of the ship. Sama, Rose, Chewvenger, Joha and Taz2 quickly loaded into it. A second later, Bender reappeared, hauling a giant bag of stolen treasure. After he jumps aboard, the speeder zipped off into the distance as The Hutt's entire ship fell into the pit, the last trace of the once great criminal empire being a single word, shouted on the wind...
“NARF!”
A few hours later, The Aluminum Potato takes off into the skies above Tatooine. Nearby, a X-Wing also flies towards space.
Over the com-link, Sama's voice fills the cramped confines of the X-Wing. “Hey kid, thanks. I owe you one.”
“Naw, don't worry about it... but... Sama, you were frozen for a month, and you've been blind for a few hours... do you really think you should be flying a spaceship?”
“Hey, I could fly this thing with no hands and no eyes!” Sama replied defensively.
“... Then you know you're flying upside down?”
“ . . . Take over, Venger.”
There was the sound of a sigh on the other end, and then the Princess' voice took over the com-link. “Kimi, why don't you come back with us?”
Kimi quickly replied: “I still have something to take care of... a promise I made to a old friend. But I'll meet up with you guys later.”
Focus on Comedy: More
In the ethereal darkness of space, all is quiet and surreal. Until, suddenly, giant yellow letters flash across the skies, lighting up the blackness.
Kimi Cakeeater has returned to her home
planet of Tatooine in an attempt to rescue
her friend Han Sama from the clutches of the
vile gangster, The Hutt.
Little does Kimi know that the GALACTIC
EMPIRE has secretly begun construction a
new armored space station even more powerful
than the first dreaded Death Star.
When completed, this ultimate weapon will
spell certain doom for the small band of
Rebels struggling to restore freedom to the
galaxy . . .
All at once, a triangular Star Destroyer flies by. As it does, it opens fire with several emerald colored lasers, destroying the giant letters.
3...
2...
1...
Go!
GoldenSama Stories
Presents
A
[SK&WS]
Spoof-Story
The Star Destroyer heads to a large, spherical shaped space station. The Destroyer is now approaching the new and improved Death Star. In the skies behind it, there is a small green moon called Endor.
Inside the Death Star, the room is filled with Stormtroopers and Imperial Guards. A small shuttle flies inside and lands, a few moments later a door opens and a ramp comes down. The man who exits the Shuttle is none other than Lord CHoW.
“'Sup.” CHoW yawned as he exited the shuttle. “Oh Commander, I know you're here...”
Stepping out of the darkness is the Station's Commander. A tall, unhappy man with a bald head. His name is Commander Payne, the leader of this Station. He walks out and crosses his arms, looking at CHoW unhappily.
“...Lord CHoW. This is an unexpected pleasure.” Payne said, his face so unhappy that he did not look like this was any pleasure at all.
“Yeah, yeah, quit lying to me. I'm here to keep this station's construction on schedule.”
“I assure you, Lord CHoW, we are working as fast as possible.” Payne said quietly.
“Yeah well, I can find new ways to motivate them.” CHoW replied.
Payne was getting nervous. “I-I tell you, this station will be operational as planned.”
CHoW yawned again, obviously bored by the Commander. “Whatever. Tell it to the Emperor when he gets here.”
Payne paused, his face as white as a sheet. “T-T-The Emperor is coming h-h-here?”
“YEP.” CHoW grinned. “He's coming here, and he's going to want to see this place going full force.”
Payne nodded. “We shall double our efforts. Triple them, if needed.”
“You better.” CHoW had a devilish twinkle in his eyes. “The Emperor is not as forgiving as I am.”
A stormtrooper approached CHoW from the right. “Sorry sir, I can't validate your parking.”
CHoW paused, sighed and muttered to himself, and then spun around and sliced the stormtrooper in half with his lightsaber. “That's okay, dude. All is forgiven... Say Payne, how about getting me a latte? ... Payne?”
Payne had fainted.
On a lonely, windswept road in the desolate Tatooine terrain, two robots head down the road as sand blows and the twin suns burn overhead. Their destination is a gigantic gray palace that sits on the road ahead of them. The home of Tatooine's most dangerous resident: The Hutt.
“I don't like this place...” Taz2-Z2 sighed to herself. “Joha Calrissian vanished while investigating The Hutt, and I haven't heard from Chewvenger either...”
The two robots on their way – one a small purple R2 Unit and the other a bottle cap gray bender – stop at the gigantic door of the old palace. When they finally reached the gigantic door, a strange metal hatch opens and out comes a small, robotic eyeball. It blinks twice, and then a voice is heard.
“Hallo! Have you come to sell cookies? Or Gingerbread men? Oh, I love Gingerbread men! Hahah!”
The top of the purple droid lifts up suddenly as a brown-haired girl pops her head up into the sunlit desert. She wipes some sweat off her forehead and sighs. “Sometimes I think I should just forgo the whole robot thing...”
The door opened suddenly in front of them, revealing a room full of vile, disgusting mutants. Several large green pig-like men stood, and next to them were a bushel of zebra-stripped people who were covered in scales.
The same voice spoke again. “Welcome to The Hutt's Palace! I'm your tour guide, NARF!”
Taz2 and Bender traded confused expressions, then they looked down to the ground. A small white mouse, no bigger than a candy bar, stood before them. He had his tail wrapped around his forehead and hanging down the side, like some crazy hairdo.
“Alright then, follow me!” The white mouse grinned stupidly, turned and bound off into the next room. Taz2 shrugged and rolled after him, while Bender paused.
“I'll catch up with you. I want to look around.” He paused. “And by look around, I mean loot the joint. Heheheheh.”
Far down the hallway, Taz2 came upon a gigantic, wide room. It was full of vicious galactic gangsters, including a man in blue with a green afro and a blue-haired woman in a leopard spot bikini. In a corner, there was a giant blue elephant sitting at a keyboard.
In the midst of the room is a gigantic throne... and in the middle of the over-sized throne is a small, white mouse with an over-sized head. He was the one and only Hutt, master of Tatooine.
“Hit it.” The Hutt ordered. The elephant at the keyboard started to play a tune...
“They're Pinky and the Hutt.
Yes, Pinky and the Hutt.
One is a genius, the other smells like a butt.
They're alien mice, your genes they will splice.
They're Pinky. Pinky and the Hutt, Hutt, Hutt, Hutt, Hutt, Hutt, Hutt: Hutt.”
“Excellent.” The Hutt stood up. “Now... who are you?”
Taz2 blinked and once again appeared from her robot shell. “I came with a message from Kimi Cakeeater, Jedi Knight.”
Taz2 slammed the lid back down and from the small projector on the top of the droid a hologram appeared. Glowing blue, Kimi Cakeeater looked different than she had a month ago at Cloud City. She was dressed in black, with her hair curved around either side of her face. One of her hands was adorned with a black glove.
“Greetings, Huttso. I'm Kimi Cakeeater, Jedi Knight and friend of Captain Sama. I know you're powerful, and your anger with Sama must be equally powerful. Regardless, I'm going to show up there in a few days to bargain with you for Sama's life. I have a gift for you too... these two droids... although I'm sure Bender is busy stealing your stuff and not there. Anyway, enjoy the robots!”
The hologram disappeared. Taz2 sweat dropped as she popped out of her robot pod. “So... um... I guess I work for you now.”
The Hutt nodded. “Indeed you do. Now... go get me a latte!”
Taz2 blinked. “That's one of the weirdest reoccurring gags we've ever had.” She paused and then leaned on the edge of her robot shell. “So, Mr. Hutt, you think you'll be up for a bargain with Master Cakeeater?”
Hutt laughed. “Me? Give up my favorite wall decoration? I think not.”
Taz2 looked to a nearby wall, where the frozen block of carbonite containing Captain Sama was hanging like a old portrait or a Christmas wreath. She blinked. “Man... I'm working for a psycho.”
Before The Hutt could launch a response, the sound of a gunshot filled the room. A moment later, one of Hutt's guards tumbled down the stairs. Behind him came a mysterious figure in a red and yellow armored suit. Next to the suited bounty hunter is a furry individual: Chewvenger!
“Hutt. I'm here to collect the bounty on this fuzzball.” The bounty hunter announced.
The Hutt blinked twice and put his tiny hands together. “Chewvenger... it's been a long time.”
“Yo, Hutty. I got an eternity of fur jokes because of that job we pulled for you, so the way I see it, we're even.” Chewvenger muttered.
“And the way I see it, you should die a painful and slow death; then we'll be even.” The Hutt replied.
Chewvenger shrugged. “Yeeeeeah... How about – OUCH!”
The bounty hunter hit him on the head with a armored hand. Then the bounty hunter turned to The Hutt. “I want the bounty on him. Now.”
The Hutt put his hands together in thought. “... I can pay you twenty five.”
“Fifty.” The Bounty Hunter replied.
“NARF!” Pinky randomly interjected himself into the conversation.
“Why should I pay you fifty?” The Hutt asked, raising a eyebrow.
The Bounty Hunter held up a small, silver ball. “Because I am holding a thermal nuclear detonator.”
The quiet of the room was shattered. Several of the monsters and aliens ran to the corners and hid; the man with the green afro sighed and muttered something like: “Next time Jet's doing this crap.”
The Hutt paused for a long time, and then, after a while, he began to laugh. “I see... You're ruthless, calculating and a total scumbag. I like this bounty hunter. Thirty-five thousand.”
The Bounty Hunter deactivated the bomb. A moment later, the crowd resumed the festivities. Two piggy guards grabbed Chewvenger and led him away into the depths of the dungeon. They passed a man in red armor on their way . . . the bounty hunter named Cojo Fett.
Cojo Fett paused and then slipped off into the darkness. He had a feeling this new 'bounty hunter' was either very good, to be able to catch Chewvenger... or up to something.
At the corner of the room, Chewvenger is given to a different guard. This one is human, and wearing a mask. Chewvenger struggles at first, but then notices that beneath the mask is the face of Joha Calrissian. He stops struggling when she gives him a wink and leads him off to the dungeon.
A few hours later, night has fallen on the palace. The room is quiet, it's only residents the unconscious Hutt and a few of the party goers who passed out on the floor. Suddenly a shape creeps through the darkness: The Bounty Hunter.
The stranger bounty hunter creeps to the wall and faces the block of carbonite that is Captain Sama. Raising the gun-arm, the hunter shoots a powerful heat ray that causes the carbonite to turn red and then melt away.
The smuggler coughs as he comes back into consciousness and falls on his face, coughing. “Blagh... my mouth taste like metal.”
The bounty hunter props him up. “You were frozen in carbonite.”
Han Sama blinks. “I can't see.”
“It is a side-effect. Your eyesight will return in time.”
The Captain reaches over and touches the face of his rescuer, feeling the oddly-shaped metal, he moves back. “Who are you?”
There is a pause as the bounty hunter removes the mask. “... Someone who loves you.”
“Rose!” Han exclaims, overly cheerful. “Whew, for a minute I thought my robot stalker was back.”
“... You know, I was going to kiss you, but you completely ruined the moment.”
“I have a habit of doing that.”
“This is all very fascinating,” The Hutt's voice suddenly chimed in as the lights turned on. “But I think I've seen enough.”
Han sweat dropped. “I know that voice... Hutty! Listen, I was going to pay you back, honest!”
The Hutt let out a sigh. “It's too late for that, Sama. You were a good smuggler... but now, I'm going to feed you to my pet sand worm. Take them away!” The Hutt commanded.
Pinky chimed in. “Oh, wait Hutt! Can I have the girl? I need a new partner for my ballet routine.”
The Hutt sighed. “Very well, Pinky.”
In the dungeon, a door opens and Han is thrown into a shallow puddle of water. He is still blind from the carbonite sickness. Suddenly a pair of furry arms picks him up.
“I see the escape plan worked about as well as ever.” Chewvenger sighed.
“Venger? What's going on, pal? I can't see.” Han muttered.
“Don't worry. Kimi's got a plan.” Chewvenger replied.
Han shook his head. “Kimi? Kimi's crazy. She can't even take care of herself, much less rescue anybody.”
Chewvenger shook his head – then he realized Sama couldn't see him. “Look, she's a Jedi Knight. She'll save us.”
“A... Jedi Knight? I'm out of it for a little while and everybody gets delusions of grandeur.”
The next morning, the main gate of Hutt's Palace lifts suddenly to flood the darkness with blinding light. A silhouetted figure descends the stairs into the main room of the palace. This figure is clad in a robe similar to that of Obi-Wan Spoonobi, except completely black. The figure had neither a laser pistol or a lightsaber.
As she reaches the bottom of the stairs, two giant guards block her path, and Pinky strides up.
“Oh! Hello! Sorry, no one's allowed in right now. We're executing some prisoners today! Hahah!” Pinky exclaims.
Kimi Cakeeater throws back her hood. “Alright mousey, let me see the Hutt.”
“NARF! No can so.” Pinky replies.
Kimi waves her hand. “You will take me to the Hutt now.”
Pinky drops his arms at his side, his eyes swirling with hypnotic suggestion. “Follow me!” He marches off down the hallway. Kimi follows behind, grinning from ear to ear.
Pinky leads Kimi into the throne room runs over to the giant chair and it's tiny occupant. Pinky jumps on The Hutt's stomach, causing the big-headed mouse to suddenly wake up.
“Pinky, you idiot! Don't do that!” The Hutt scolds.
“Hahah, hello Hutt! So, the Jedi girl is here to see you.”
The Hutt sighs. “I told you not to let her in.”
Kimi yawns. “I must be allowed to speak.”
“She said --”
“I heard her, Pinky! Go to your room!” Hutt yells at Pinky. The downtrodden mouse sighs and hops away with one final 'narf'. The Hutt turns around to look at Cakeeater.
“You are the Jedi?” The Hutt asks.
“Yeah, that's me. Listen up, mouseketeer, I'm taking Captain Sama and his friends with me. You can say 'okay Kimi, anything you say' or I can kill you. Savvy?” Kimi crossed her arms, a smirk on her face. The Hutt didn't seem amused.
“Kill me you say? No... I don't really like that idea... nor do I feel like giving up my favorite wall decor. So how's this for an idea?” The Hutt jumped up onto the armrest of his chair and stepped on a button. The floor beneath Kimi gave way and she fell down into a deep, dark pit.
Kimi landed on her feet at the bottom of the pit and looked around. This room was completely made of the red rocks that made up most of Tatooine. A light layer of sand covered the ground, and high above her head she could see the small mouse, The Hutt, and his monstrous gangster buddies looking down at her in glee.
The Jedi turned her head to her left and noticed a giant caged wall. Raising an eyebrow, she saw the steel gate lift up. A second later, a horrible monster emerged.
The mighty beast roared!
Kimi backed up. “Geez, you're scary ugly.”
The monster roared again and started forward at her. She ran and ducked beneath it's reach, running behind it. The vicious pig-like beast snarled and spun around. Kimi frantically looked all over the room for some kind of weapon.
She finds one... a rock.
“... Well, I'm dead.” Kimi sweat dropped. The monster ran at her, ready to eat her whole. She jumped up using the samurai-like speed of a Jedi and landed on the monster's head. Grabbing it's mane, she pulled up and made the beast run out of control into the side of the prison gate it had come from. It slammed its head hard into the gate and fell onto its side.
She jumped away and retrieves the rock from her pocket. With a mighty toss, she manages to hit the control switch. The gate falls onto the monster, impaling it and ending it's evil reign.
“... Like I said, no sweat.” Kimi dusted off her hands. A door to the side opened and for a split second she was face to face with Cojo Fett: Then he blasted her with a stun ray and she fell into unconsciousness.
“Booyah. That counts as a victory for me.” Cojo Fett grinned.
“Think again ninja boy, this isn't canon!” Kimi yelled back.
“IT STILL COUNTS!” Cojo Fett yelled back.
“NUH UH!” Kimi replied, then she grabbed a second rock and threw it at him.
The Hutt sighed and rubbed his head. “Apprehend the prisoner! Take them all to my sand barge! And then get someone to patch up the fourth wall before this whole building collapses!”
“NARF!”
“... Someone besides Pinky.”
A few hours later, The Hutt and his gangster buddies are partying again aboard the sand barge – a mighty amber-colored ship that sails across the sand of the desert. On the front deck of the ship, The Hutt is seated in another too-big-for-him chair. To the side, Kimi Cakeeater, Han Sama and Chewvenger are all standing on the edge of the ship, their hands shackled and large pig guards watching them.
“Well, kid, thanks for the rescue. Things are going so well, if I didn't know any better, I'd have thought I planned it.” Sama's sarcasm was working just fine. His eyes were still unresponsive.
“For a guy who was a chandelier a few hours ago, you sure do complain a lot.” Kimi replied with her own sharp wit.
The Hutt yawned loudly, and then called attention. “Alright. We're here. The pit of doom!”
He paused. “Before your deaths, I will allow Pinky to entertain you all.”
A door opened and out came Pinky, followed by Princess Rose. Both were dressed as ballerinas. Pinky began to dance like a fool, while Rose just stood there and sighed. The Hutt rubbed his head for a moment and then turned to one of his pig guards.
“Throw them in the pit too.” He ordered. Pinky blinked as he and the Princess were suddenly thrown in shackles and led to stand next to the others.
“This rescue is going great.” The Princess was in a sarcastic mood too, it seemed.
“Rose? That you?” Han blinked.
“Yeah, it's her. And yeah, he's still blind. And both of you just need to relax! I have a plan.” Kimi crossed her arms and leaned back against the railing, apparently unafraid of what was going on.
“NARF!”
A moment later, Taz2 rolled out from the back of the barge. She parked in a corner and waited, apparently sharing Kimi's relaxed attitude on the situation. Seconds later, Cojo Fett hurried up to the group, holding his blaster at them.
“Well, looks like it's time to throw you guys into the pit of doom. I've got my camera ready.” He grinned happily behind his helmet.
“You know what Fett, you can go eat a lemon.” Sama crossed his arms and said in protest. Unfortunately, he was facing the wrong direction and instead was speaking to Kimi. She shook her head.
Kimi stepped forward, led by Fett to the edge of the ship. She was ushered onto a pirate-like gangplank that led out over the pit. Cojo Fett stood behind her, his blaster now set on 'extra crispy' instead of 'stun'.
The Jedi turned to The Hutt. “This is your last chance... free us, or be destroyed.”
The Hutt yawned. “At least I won't have to hear your empty threats after you're eaten. It takes one thousand years for the pit to digest humans, you know.”
Kimi blinked. “That's nice. But I'm serious about the killing you thing.”
The Hutt nodded. “I'm sure you are.”
Cojo Fett seemed impatient. He jabbed Kimi with his rifle and she moved to the very edge of the gangplank. She turned with a grin back to the ship and jumped off – as she did, she grabbed onto the plank with her hands as she fell and used it to spring herself back up to the ship. Taz2's lid opened and she popped up, throwing a small shiny device towards Kimi.
The Jedi grabs it and activates a bright green lightsaber. She spins cuts her shackles and spins around, slashing apart two of the pig guards.
On the edge of the ship, a human guard in a mask suddenly hits one of the pig guards near Kimi's friends, knocking him off the edge of the sand barge and into the pit of doom. The remaining pig guard throws a punch at the human guard, knocking off her mask and revealing Joha Calrissian.
“HEY! Han, Venger, Rosie, I didn't actually lock your shackles!” Joha yelled at them.
“Huh? Is that my OLD BUDDIE!? Which direction is she, Venger, I want to know where I should yell.” Sama, still a bit bitter, yells.
“Aww, forget it Cap'n Hairclub. Let's just deal with the Hutt.” Chewvenger replies – then he grabs the pig guard and lifts him up, showing his superior strength. With a toss, the pig guard is thrown into a crowd of gangsters, crushing them.
The Princess throws off her shackles and tosses them at a nearby gangster, rendering him unconscious. She then charges off towards The Hutt's chair. The Hutt yelps as she appears and attempts to run away – only to meet with her shoe.
“See, this is why mice make horrible mafia bosses.” Princess Rose nodded wisely.
Meanwhile, Sama is staggering around, still blind and still in shackles. “Hello? Is anybody here? Kimi? Rose? Venger?” As he wanders, he accidentally bumps into Cojo Fett. The bounty hunter had been ready to shoot Kimi from across the deck – but in a wacky coincidence, Sama happened to bump into the launch button on his jetpack.
He flew up, up, up into the air – and then ran out of fuel. “... Oooh, that's what I forgot to do this morning!” Cojo Fett slapped his forehead as he realized he'd never refueled – then he fell into the pit.
Kimi, who was on the far deck slashing wildly at the guards, paused and looked over the side. “Hmm... maybe this should be canon afterall.”
“NO!” Cojo Fett's voice drifted up from the pit.
“YEAH!” Kimi yelled back.
“NO, TOO LATE!” Fett shouted.
“Aren't you being digested?” Kimi replied.
“Oh yeah... AUUUUUUUUUUGH!” Cojo Fett yelled once again.
A second later, the sand barge began to shake and rattle. Pieces of it fell into the pit and the supports began to crumble.
“Aw, crap!” Chewvenger yelled. “They broke the fourth wall, again, and now the ship's crashing!”
“What fourth wall? Where? I don't see one.” Sama replied, looking around wildly.
“You're blind.” Joha reminded him.
Sama shrugged. “Actually I got my sight back a few minutes ago... I just don't see a fourth wall in general.”
There was a brief pause. “... Actually, you might be right on this one.” Joha admitted.
“Less talkie, more escape-e!” Kimi commanded as she commandeered a small sand speeder from the side of the ship. Sama, Rose, Chewvenger, Joha and Taz2 quickly loaded into it. A second later, Bender reappeared, hauling a giant bag of stolen treasure. After he jumps aboard, the speeder zipped off into the distance as The Hutt's entire ship fell into the pit, the last trace of the once great criminal empire being a single word, shouted on the wind...
“NARF!”
A few hours later, The Aluminum Potato takes off into the skies above Tatooine. Nearby, a X-Wing also flies towards space.
Over the com-link, Sama's voice fills the cramped confines of the X-Wing. “Hey kid, thanks. I owe you one.”
“Naw, don't worry about it... but... Sama, you were frozen for a month, and you've been blind for a few hours... do you really think you should be flying a spaceship?”
“Hey, I could fly this thing with no hands and no eyes!” Sama replied defensively.
“... Then you know you're flying upside down?”
“ . . . Take over, Venger.”
There was the sound of a sigh on the other end, and then the Princess' voice took over the com-link. “Kimi, why don't you come back with us?”
Kimi quickly replied: “I still have something to take care of... a promise I made to a old friend. But I'll meet up with you guys later.”
GoldenSama - March 1, 2008 12:08 PM (GMT)
Meanwhile, on the half-constructed Death Star, a shuttle has just landed. The reception for Lord CHoW had been huge, but the reception for this new ship was incredible. Thousands of storm troopers and Imperial officers were lined up.
Commander Payne looked as white as paper. Next to him, CHoW was listening to his iPod and not really paying attention.
The door of the shuttle opened and out came a ramp. A second later, a hooded figure glided down the ramp. Behind that hood was a vicious mask.
“YO! Commander! What's the deal?”
Emperor Avatar stepped off the platform.
“Hey Emperor. I warned the Commander here that you'd be mad if the Death Star didn't work.” CHoW yawned to his mentor.
“I... Sir... I tried... it was... I mean...” Payne sweat dropped.
The Emperor shook his head. “I don't care. We have bigger problems. Walk with me, CHoW.”
The two evil leaders of the Empire took a pleasant stroll through the depths of the Death Star.
“Kimi Cakeeater. She's getting stronger.” Emperor Avatar expressed his frustration.
“So? I'm still Mr. Badass. She's harmless.”
“Harmless like a doomsday device, maybe!” The Emperor snapped back. “I just sensed it... she helped kill Brain the Hutt. BRAIN THE HUTT, man! Biggest gangster in the galaxy.”
CHoW yawned. “First off... Brain the Hutt was like, two inches tall. I'm pretty sure Supersized Tony of the Mafia Planet was and is bigger. He's like, twelve feet tall and five hundred pounds.”
The Emperor sighed. “I mean... oh, never mind! The point is, Cakeeater concerns me. And as your boss, that means she concerns you too. Understand?”
CHoW nodded. “Whatever. Should I go after her?”
The Emperor shook his head. “No. No, I think we'll keep building this station. If we wait, she will come to you.”
CHoW grinned. “Cool. I love waiting... Hey, crazy idea, how about we go out for lattes?”
“... What inspired that joke, anyway?” Emperor Avatar blinked.
“No idea.” CHoW shrugged.
“... Well, I do love being back here.”
It seemed that sarcasm was contagious, because now it was Taz2-Z2's turn to unleash it. She was once again trying with difficulty to get through the murky swamps of Dagobah, the planet home of the Grand Jedi Sporka.
Kimi was there too, naturally. This time she'd landed her X-Wing on dry ground, much to her relief. The Jedi walked through the swamp, towards the small hut that served as Sporka's home.
As she approached the shack, Kimi pushed the door open. She looked around and finally spotted the wise Jedi, who was slowly tottering towards her, holding onto his walking stick.
“What's with that face? Do I really look that old?”
Kimi blinked. “Well... yeah. You look like you're ready to drop dead any minute.”
Sporka paused and muttered something. Then he sat down and sighed. “I'd take offense to that... if true it were not.”
Kimi shook her head, growing somewhat serious. “... Master Sporka, you can't die.”
Sporka yawned. “I wish. That'd be sweet... but I'm not that strong.”
Kimi looked distraught. “But... I need your help! I've come back to complete the training.”
“Gee, thanks. Feeling the sympathy.” Sporka was doing the sarcastic thing too. Then he turned serious. “No more training do you require.”
Kimi leaned back and blinked once again. “Then... I am a Jedi?”
“Ohhh.... no. Not yet. One thing remains... CHoW. You must confront CHoW.” Sporka told her grimly.
Kimi sighs in silent agony. She is quiet for a long moment, gathering up her courage. Finally, she is able to ask. “Master Sporka... is Darth CHoW my father?”
“... Well, I better be getting to sleep. Dying is really tiring.” Sporka tried to turn his back on her.
“I need to know.” Kimi begged.
“... Your father he is.”
Kimi sighs and hangs her head. Then she pauses. “... How is that possible?”
Sporka shifts nervously. “Listen, kid, I know your an orphan but couldn't you find someone else to ask about that?”
Kimi paused, then she grabbed his walking stick and hit him over the head with it. “You idiot! I wasn't asking about that!” Suddenly she realized that hitting a dying man with a stick was probably a bad idea, so she stopped. “... Master?”
Sporka didn't move.
“Crap!” Kimi dropped the stick. “... Wow, I killed a Jedi Master. Didn't see that one coming.”
“BOO!” Sporka sat up, causing Kimi to jump back across the room and crash into one of his bookshelves. “Hahahah... oh, man, that was great! You should have seen your face... Hahahahahahahahahahahahaah—Augh!”
The old Jedi laughed so hard, he died.
Kimi sweat dropped. “I-Idiot!”
She hurried outside, shaking her head. There she came face to face with a glowing blue ghost – Obi-Wan Spoonobi.
“I probably should have warned you that guy was a practical joker.” Spoonobi acknowledged.
Kimi glared at him. “You! Why didn't you tell me?”
Spoonobi blinked. “Geez, I know I should have warned you Sporka likes jokes, but you don't have to get THAT mad.”
Kimi sighed. “I mean about CHoW being my father.”
“Oooooooh.” Spoonobi nodded. “Well, I'm forgetful.”
Kimi threw a rock at him. Luckily for Spoonobi, it sailed right through his ghostly head. “Your mad, aren't you?”
He was met with a vicious glare. “Look, I'm sick of all these secrets! If there's anything else, you better tell me now before I get a foot chopped off or something.”
Spoonobi hesitated. Kimi's jaw dropped. “There IS something else!?”
The deceased Jedi paused. “... Well... funny story... turns out you've got a twin sister.”
Kimi's eye twitched in annoyance. “A whhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhat!?”
Spoonobi coughed. “And in one of those crazy coincidences... it's Rose.”
“... Now your just messing with my head, right?” Kimi blinked.
“Nope. It's all true. Amazing coincidence, isn't it?” Spoonobi mused. Kimi shook her head and walked off in the direction of her X-Wing.
In a wide stretch of space, the entire Rebel Fleet stretches out as far as the eye can see. Aboard the command ship, the leaders of the Rebel Alliance are gathered. General Vidit stands in the center of the circular, white room. He is surrounded by several important Rebel figures.
A door opens in the back of the room and Joha Calrissian enters. She looks around for a moment until she spots a small, special set of seats near the front row. She hurries and sits down next to the people who are already there – Han Sama, Princess Rose and Chewvenger.
Han looks up when she appears and notices the official-looking uniform she is now wearing. He can't help but smirk. “Well, look at who they made a general.”
She sits down, a happy little smirk on her lips. “Someone must have told them I was a pretty good pilot.”
Han shook his head, it was his turn to be sarcastic. “Don't look at me. All I said was you weren't a half-bad pilot. Didn't think they were looking for someone to lead this crazy attack.”
Joha paused. “I'm surprised they didn't ask you to do it.”
Sama smirked. “Who says they didn't? But I'm not crazy. You're the respectable one, remember?”
Suddenly General Vidit steps forward and signals for quiet. The room falls silent and all eyes turn their attention to him. He pauses before his speech, glancing at the special seating section, taking note that one of the Alliance's VIP's is still MIA. Shaking his head, he begins to speak.
“The Emperor has made a critical error and the time for our final attack has come.” He announced.
There was a sudden stir in the room, and everyone started whispering. He quieted them down with another signal for silence, and then turned to the computer on the wall behind him – it displays a image of the Death Star.
“Apparently, the Emperor was lazy about coming up with new ideas, so he's ordered a new Death Star built. Thanks to some clever spies, we now have the exact location of the new Death Star. We also know that the new station is not yet operational. With the Imperial Fleet spread out the galaxy looking for us, it is relatively unguarded. Most important of all, we've learned that Emperor Avatar himself is personally overseeing the final stages of construction of this new Death Star.”
This causes a huge stir across the room.
“Listen up folks. We've learned that the Death Star is protected by a energy shield being broadcast from the nearby forest Moon of Endor. The shield must be deactivated if we are to have any chance of stopping the Death Star. Once the shield is down, our cruisers will surround the Death Star while our fighters fly in and try to shoot the main reactor.” Vidit explained. He then paused. “General Calrissian has volunteered to lead the fighter attack.”
Han blinked and turned to Joha beside him. “You? ... Good luck. You'll need it.”
Vidit then began explaining something new. “We've stolen a small Imperial shuttle. Disguised as a cargo ship, and using a stolen security code, a small strike team will land on the moon and deactivate the shield generator. It is a incredibly dangerous mission since this team will have no back up, and by all rights it could be a suicide mission.”
The Princess shakes her head. “What kind of idiot did they find to volunteer for that job?”
General Vidit turned to a member of the audience. “General Sama, is your strike team ready?”
The Princess sweat dropped. “I had to ask.”
Han coughed. “Uh, yeah, the team's ready. I don't have a command crew for the shuttle.”
He was promptly hit in the back of the head by Chewvenger. “What am I, orange soda?”
“No, if you were orange soda you'd be drank by now.” Sama replied. Then he blinked. “I mean, I didn't want to speak for anybody.”
Chewvenger shakes his head. “Eh, we've been through worse.”
There was a pause, and then from beside him: “General... count me in too.” Princess Rose sighed. The smuggler turned to her with a look of interest. She crossed her arms. “You better just be quiet, or I might change my mind.”
“I'm with you, too!”
The door in the back had opened again. This time it was Kimi Cakeeater who entered the room. At once, Rose, Sama and Chewvenger all jumped up and made their way over to her. After a quick hug, Rose pauses and looks quizzically at Kimi.
“What is it?” She sensed some kind of change in her friend.
Kimi was hesitating. “Ask again later.”
The smuggler shook his head. “Listen to this kid, going all magic eight ball on us.”
“Hi Han. Venger.” Kimi nodded.
“Hey! You're still alive! Good.” Chewvenger grinned.
Taz2 rolled up to the ground, threw open her hood, and smiled up at them. “Don't forget me!”
Bender walked over. “Or me!”
There was a long pause. The Princess blinked twice. “... Where have you been?”
Bender shrugged. “Nowhere. Oh, here's your ATM card back, Han.”
Sama scratched his head. “I don't remember lending you this...”
Suddenly, a lobster-man in a white doctor's uniform shows up and wraps his claws around the shoulder's of both Kimi and Sama. “Hurray! I'm the Admiral, I am! Let's go!”
Kimi paused. “... Zoidberg? ... Didn't you try to eat me on Hoth?”
Zoidberg turned his head away. “I was huuuuuuungry!”
The Princess sighed. “So... the monster from Hoth... was actually a Rebel Admiral?”
“That's the way it looks.” Chewvenger replied.
Far away, in a darkened throne room, the evil Emperor Avatar sits in his throne, sipping a latte. He looks up as Darth CHoW enters the room.
“Hey Emp'. Listen, dude, there's a Rebel Fleet building up just outside our radar. I sensed them. My kid's with them, too.” CHoW, in his usual laid-back manner, yawned.
“If you can sense them, so can I. Send the fleet to the far side of Endor. That way we can hide our ships and sneak attack those Rebel scumbags when they show up.” The Emperor grinned.
CHoW raised an eyebrow... on his helmet... which doesn't even make sense. “What about Kimi?”
“She is of no concern. She will seek us out. Then, she will be turned... or destroyed.”
“Sweet... Where'd you get the latte?”
On the forest Moon of Endor, in a small clearing surrounded by tall, ancient trees, the Imperial Shuttle now rests. A few Rebel troopers are standing around, while Han, Rose, Kimi, Chewvenger and Taz2 are standing at the front.
“... Well, we made it to Endor.” Han grinned. “Now all we have to do is shut down that power station and we're all big heroes! It's kind of exciting.”
The Princess paused. “Yeah... but how are we going to infiltrate the Imperial Shield Generator? We'll need stealth and cunning...”
Kimi nodded in agreement. “We'll have to use the Force.”
Sama, though, shook his head. “Naw! I've got a much better plan. Chewvenger... get the paint!”
Two Imperial Stormtroopers were standing around outside the Shield Generator on Endor.
“Dude... Darth CHoW is a genius, man.” The first said.
“How so?”
“Well, like, he had us round up all the cute, furry forest animals that could possibly unite against us and imprison them in a cell in the Generator's Facility. Wasn't that smart?”
“... I suppose. But... wouldn't the Shield Generator's high doses of radiation cause those innocent little Ewoks to mutate into vicious, rabid beasts capable of eating bones?” The second asked.
“Whoa... that's, like, far out.”
A second later, a row of trees was pushed aside as a Imperial Shuttle flew right at the base. This shuttle, though, had been painted with some new colors.
As some 80's heroic music started to play, Han Sama and Chewvenger leaned out of the windows of the Shuttle and started firing laser blasts at the base. For no good reason, things started to explode all over the place. Not just the Generator's mechanical equipment... but rocks, trees... even a nearby lake exploded.
Then, as the Imperials started to regroup and shoot at the painted shuttle, there was a mighty roar. The Generator Building's roof was ripped open and a giant, fuzzy monster appeared. It had once been a small, timid Ewok... but radiation does a number on a lot of things.
The monster Ewoks started rampaging all around, destroying the shield generator and stepping on the Imperial Troopers.
From inside the A-Shuttle, Kimi blinked. “I don't remember THAT from the films.”
“Okay. It's official. I'm shaving as soon as this is over. The furry monster look is now cliché.” Chewvenger sighed.
“Then you owe me a dollar.” Sama reminded him.
Princess Rose paused. “... We're we supposed to have a variety of scenes here on Endor, including speeder chases and bonding time at the Ewok Village?”
Taz2 shrugged. “Probably the result of a lazy author who waits till the last second to do everything.”
“... SO, kid, you going to fight CHoW?” Sama asked, in an attempt to change the subject.
“I may as well.” Kimi yawned. “He's my dad. I know” She saw the shocked expressions on them. “I know, freaky, huh? Oh, speaking of which... Rose, you're apparently my twin sister.”
The Princess blinked. “... Freaky.”
“Hate to interrupt, but the Shield's are now officially down on the Death Star. I guess, if Kimi wants to, we can give her a lift to face CHoW.” Taz2 confirmed.
“Alright! We stopped the Shield Generator! I love it when a plan comes together!” Han grinned. “And with that final A-Team reference, let's give Kimi a ride to the Death Star, shall we?”
Meanwhile, in Space, the gigantic see-through laser shield that surrounded the Death Star vanishes. From the Command Ship, Vidit grins as he sees this. At his side is Admiral Zoidberg.
“It's time! All ships, attack now! Stick to the plan!” Commander Vidit exclaimed over the intercom system.
“Not so fast!” A new voice spoke. A blond man appeared on the screen in front of General Vidit and Admiral Zoidberg. Zoidberg gasps and bows. Vidit groans.
“It's me... Zapp Brannigan! I have a brilliant plan to confuse the enemy! We'll make them think we're retreating by flying all of our fleet towards the Death Star – backwards! That way they'll think we're running, and then we can pounce.” The idiot Captain grinned.
Vidit grabbed his microphone and yelled: “NO! He's not in Command!” ... But it was too late. Half of the Rebel Fleet was flying backwards like Brannigan ordered, and the other half was followed Joha in the Aluminum Potato on the original mission.
In the confusion, several Imperial ships were easily destroyed... unfortunately, several Rebel ships were also easily destroyed.
From the Aluminum Potato, Joha sighs. “Greeeeeat. Could this get worse?”
A second later, the Death Star fires it's destructive cannon into one of the Rebel ships; instantly obliterating it!
“OH YEAH!” CHoW grinned, his helmeted face pressed against the window. “Fully operational! We're fully operational! Yeah, yeah!” He was doing a little jig, happy that the invasion was going so well.
A second later, a painted Imperial Shuttle crashed through the window on the left side of the room and landed on the ground. A large steel sheet slammed shut to keep the people in the room from being sucked into space; but the window on the right side of the room was still intact and was left uncovered.
Emperor Avatar bolted out of his chair. “What the--?”
The door opened and out came Kimi Cakeeater, a green lightsaber active in her hand. “Hey, daaaaaaad! Time to talk about all that back-allowance you owe me!”
CHoW turned his own saber on. “Awesome. I was getting bored anyway. Let's fight!” His red saber clicked on and he jumped into the air, spun around several times, and landed, swinging his sword right at her! She blocked with ease, though, and pushed him away.
“I'm a Jedi now!” Kimi shouted. “You can't win!” The two crossed blades again, this time CHoW was able to knock her back – but she regained her footing, moved to the side and slashed at CHoW – getting perfect revenge for Cloud City.
CHoW's arm landed on the ground near the Emperor's feet. “Whoa...”
CHoW looked down at his burnt, mechanical stump. “... Bah! Just a flesh wound!”
He jumped at Kimi, now using his saber in his opposite hand. The two blades danced for another few hits, red slashing green, emerald cutting ruby... then at last, there was a second connected strike – and CHoW's remaining arm hit the ground. He paused and looked to Kimi, who raised an eyebrow.
“. . . I can still kick!”
He kicked at her – and his leg was cut away. Hopping on his one remaining foot, CHoW jumped up and tried to fall on her – but she moved away and cut off his last leg.
CHoW managed to prop himself up, but in doing so his helmet fell off. “Get over here and I'll bite you!” He yelled, insistent.
Sometime while the father and daughter were battling, the other Rebels on the Shuttle had gotten out and gathered around to watch. When CHoW was left without a leg to stand on, the Emperor stood up.
“This was NOT in the script... but I'll make the best of it! Kimi Cakeeater, any interest in joining me?” He asked.
Kimi crossed her arms. “You know what Emperor? Bite Bender's shiny metal ass!” She spat at the offer.
Emperor Avatar sighed. “Alrighty then... you leave me no choice.” He raised his hands and sent forth great arcing forks of lightning. Everyone was struck by them and hit the ground, electricity blazing at their bodies.
“Aw... gonna... die...” Chewvenger complained.
“... I love you.” Han called, recalling the last time he thought he was about to die.
“I know.” Rose replied.
The Emperor made a gagging sound. “Why must the good guys ALWAYS get so sappy!?” He complained loudly, his hands on his hips. It took him a second to realize that his annoyed gesture had stopped the flow of lightning to his victims. He raised his hands, but before he could resume his attack, Kimi had jumped up and pushed him with the force.
The Emperor flew across the room – and into the one window not covered by steel plating. It shattered, and the Emperor flew into space.
“Hah! Burn!” Chewvenger grinned.
Taz2 rubbed her chin thoughtfully. “That... wasn't really a 'burn'...” She paused, and then rolled over to the wall. A small metal claw came out of her side and plugged into the control console on the Emperor's chair.
A second later, the Death Star fired – and struck the floating Emperor.
“Now THAT was a burn!” Taz2 grinned sheepishly.
Kimi grinned to the others and pumped her fists in the air, excitedly. The ghostly images of Ben Spoonobi and Sporka waved to her from outside the window and her happiness only grew.
“Alrighty! I saved the day! I guess I'm a Jedi after all.” Kimi boasted.
“YOU saved the day?” Sama ran over to her. “No, way! I'm the hero, here!”
Kimi blinked. “Whaaaaat? All you did was play kissyface with the princess! How is that saving the day?”
Sama crossed his arms. “You never would have destroyed him if I hadn't have distracted him.”
Kimi opened her mouth to argue, but then paused. “... Ever get that Deja Vu feeling?”
Sama scratched the back of his neck. “Now that you mention it...”
THE END
<Sama Says> Yeah... this one might have diverted from the movie a lot more than the other too... but I tried to make it funnier. ^_^
Commander Payne looked as white as paper. Next to him, CHoW was listening to his iPod and not really paying attention.
The door of the shuttle opened and out came a ramp. A second later, a hooded figure glided down the ramp. Behind that hood was a vicious mask.
“YO! Commander! What's the deal?”
Emperor Avatar stepped off the platform.
“Hey Emperor. I warned the Commander here that you'd be mad if the Death Star didn't work.” CHoW yawned to his mentor.
“I... Sir... I tried... it was... I mean...” Payne sweat dropped.
The Emperor shook his head. “I don't care. We have bigger problems. Walk with me, CHoW.”
The two evil leaders of the Empire took a pleasant stroll through the depths of the Death Star.
“Kimi Cakeeater. She's getting stronger.” Emperor Avatar expressed his frustration.
“So? I'm still Mr. Badass. She's harmless.”
“Harmless like a doomsday device, maybe!” The Emperor snapped back. “I just sensed it... she helped kill Brain the Hutt. BRAIN THE HUTT, man! Biggest gangster in the galaxy.”
CHoW yawned. “First off... Brain the Hutt was like, two inches tall. I'm pretty sure Supersized Tony of the Mafia Planet was and is bigger. He's like, twelve feet tall and five hundred pounds.”
The Emperor sighed. “I mean... oh, never mind! The point is, Cakeeater concerns me. And as your boss, that means she concerns you too. Understand?”
CHoW nodded. “Whatever. Should I go after her?”
The Emperor shook his head. “No. No, I think we'll keep building this station. If we wait, she will come to you.”
CHoW grinned. “Cool. I love waiting... Hey, crazy idea, how about we go out for lattes?”
“... What inspired that joke, anyway?” Emperor Avatar blinked.
“No idea.” CHoW shrugged.
“... Well, I do love being back here.”
It seemed that sarcasm was contagious, because now it was Taz2-Z2's turn to unleash it. She was once again trying with difficulty to get through the murky swamps of Dagobah, the planet home of the Grand Jedi Sporka.
Kimi was there too, naturally. This time she'd landed her X-Wing on dry ground, much to her relief. The Jedi walked through the swamp, towards the small hut that served as Sporka's home.
As she approached the shack, Kimi pushed the door open. She looked around and finally spotted the wise Jedi, who was slowly tottering towards her, holding onto his walking stick.
“What's with that face? Do I really look that old?”
Kimi blinked. “Well... yeah. You look like you're ready to drop dead any minute.”
Sporka paused and muttered something. Then he sat down and sighed. “I'd take offense to that... if true it were not.”
Kimi shook her head, growing somewhat serious. “... Master Sporka, you can't die.”
Sporka yawned. “I wish. That'd be sweet... but I'm not that strong.”
Kimi looked distraught. “But... I need your help! I've come back to complete the training.”
“Gee, thanks. Feeling the sympathy.” Sporka was doing the sarcastic thing too. Then he turned serious. “No more training do you require.”
Kimi leaned back and blinked once again. “Then... I am a Jedi?”
“Ohhh.... no. Not yet. One thing remains... CHoW. You must confront CHoW.” Sporka told her grimly.
Kimi sighs in silent agony. She is quiet for a long moment, gathering up her courage. Finally, she is able to ask. “Master Sporka... is Darth CHoW my father?”
“... Well, I better be getting to sleep. Dying is really tiring.” Sporka tried to turn his back on her.
“I need to know.” Kimi begged.
“... Your father he is.”
Kimi sighs and hangs her head. Then she pauses. “... How is that possible?”
Sporka shifts nervously. “Listen, kid, I know your an orphan but couldn't you find someone else to ask about that?”
Kimi paused, then she grabbed his walking stick and hit him over the head with it. “You idiot! I wasn't asking about that!” Suddenly she realized that hitting a dying man with a stick was probably a bad idea, so she stopped. “... Master?”
Sporka didn't move.
“Crap!” Kimi dropped the stick. “... Wow, I killed a Jedi Master. Didn't see that one coming.”
“BOO!” Sporka sat up, causing Kimi to jump back across the room and crash into one of his bookshelves. “Hahahah... oh, man, that was great! You should have seen your face... Hahahahahahahahahahahahaah—Augh!”
The old Jedi laughed so hard, he died.
Kimi sweat dropped. “I-Idiot!”
She hurried outside, shaking her head. There she came face to face with a glowing blue ghost – Obi-Wan Spoonobi.
“I probably should have warned you that guy was a practical joker.” Spoonobi acknowledged.
Kimi glared at him. “You! Why didn't you tell me?”
Spoonobi blinked. “Geez, I know I should have warned you Sporka likes jokes, but you don't have to get THAT mad.”
Kimi sighed. “I mean about CHoW being my father.”
“Oooooooh.” Spoonobi nodded. “Well, I'm forgetful.”
Kimi threw a rock at him. Luckily for Spoonobi, it sailed right through his ghostly head. “Your mad, aren't you?”
He was met with a vicious glare. “Look, I'm sick of all these secrets! If there's anything else, you better tell me now before I get a foot chopped off or something.”
Spoonobi hesitated. Kimi's jaw dropped. “There IS something else!?”
The deceased Jedi paused. “... Well... funny story... turns out you've got a twin sister.”
Kimi's eye twitched in annoyance. “A whhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhat!?”
Spoonobi coughed. “And in one of those crazy coincidences... it's Rose.”
“... Now your just messing with my head, right?” Kimi blinked.
“Nope. It's all true. Amazing coincidence, isn't it?” Spoonobi mused. Kimi shook her head and walked off in the direction of her X-Wing.
In a wide stretch of space, the entire Rebel Fleet stretches out as far as the eye can see. Aboard the command ship, the leaders of the Rebel Alliance are gathered. General Vidit stands in the center of the circular, white room. He is surrounded by several important Rebel figures.
A door opens in the back of the room and Joha Calrissian enters. She looks around for a moment until she spots a small, special set of seats near the front row. She hurries and sits down next to the people who are already there – Han Sama, Princess Rose and Chewvenger.
Han looks up when she appears and notices the official-looking uniform she is now wearing. He can't help but smirk. “Well, look at who they made a general.”
She sits down, a happy little smirk on her lips. “Someone must have told them I was a pretty good pilot.”
Han shook his head, it was his turn to be sarcastic. “Don't look at me. All I said was you weren't a half-bad pilot. Didn't think they were looking for someone to lead this crazy attack.”
Joha paused. “I'm surprised they didn't ask you to do it.”
Sama smirked. “Who says they didn't? But I'm not crazy. You're the respectable one, remember?”
Suddenly General Vidit steps forward and signals for quiet. The room falls silent and all eyes turn their attention to him. He pauses before his speech, glancing at the special seating section, taking note that one of the Alliance's VIP's is still MIA. Shaking his head, he begins to speak.
“The Emperor has made a critical error and the time for our final attack has come.” He announced.
There was a sudden stir in the room, and everyone started whispering. He quieted them down with another signal for silence, and then turned to the computer on the wall behind him – it displays a image of the Death Star.
“Apparently, the Emperor was lazy about coming up with new ideas, so he's ordered a new Death Star built. Thanks to some clever spies, we now have the exact location of the new Death Star. We also know that the new station is not yet operational. With the Imperial Fleet spread out the galaxy looking for us, it is relatively unguarded. Most important of all, we've learned that Emperor Avatar himself is personally overseeing the final stages of construction of this new Death Star.”
This causes a huge stir across the room.
“Listen up folks. We've learned that the Death Star is protected by a energy shield being broadcast from the nearby forest Moon of Endor. The shield must be deactivated if we are to have any chance of stopping the Death Star. Once the shield is down, our cruisers will surround the Death Star while our fighters fly in and try to shoot the main reactor.” Vidit explained. He then paused. “General Calrissian has volunteered to lead the fighter attack.”
Han blinked and turned to Joha beside him. “You? ... Good luck. You'll need it.”
Vidit then began explaining something new. “We've stolen a small Imperial shuttle. Disguised as a cargo ship, and using a stolen security code, a small strike team will land on the moon and deactivate the shield generator. It is a incredibly dangerous mission since this team will have no back up, and by all rights it could be a suicide mission.”
The Princess shakes her head. “What kind of idiot did they find to volunteer for that job?”
General Vidit turned to a member of the audience. “General Sama, is your strike team ready?”
The Princess sweat dropped. “I had to ask.”
Han coughed. “Uh, yeah, the team's ready. I don't have a command crew for the shuttle.”
He was promptly hit in the back of the head by Chewvenger. “What am I, orange soda?”
“No, if you were orange soda you'd be drank by now.” Sama replied. Then he blinked. “I mean, I didn't want to speak for anybody.”
Chewvenger shakes his head. “Eh, we've been through worse.”
There was a pause, and then from beside him: “General... count me in too.” Princess Rose sighed. The smuggler turned to her with a look of interest. She crossed her arms. “You better just be quiet, or I might change my mind.”
“I'm with you, too!”
The door in the back had opened again. This time it was Kimi Cakeeater who entered the room. At once, Rose, Sama and Chewvenger all jumped up and made their way over to her. After a quick hug, Rose pauses and looks quizzically at Kimi.
“What is it?” She sensed some kind of change in her friend.
Kimi was hesitating. “Ask again later.”
The smuggler shook his head. “Listen to this kid, going all magic eight ball on us.”
“Hi Han. Venger.” Kimi nodded.
“Hey! You're still alive! Good.” Chewvenger grinned.
Taz2 rolled up to the ground, threw open her hood, and smiled up at them. “Don't forget me!”
Bender walked over. “Or me!”
There was a long pause. The Princess blinked twice. “... Where have you been?”
Bender shrugged. “Nowhere. Oh, here's your ATM card back, Han.”
Sama scratched his head. “I don't remember lending you this...”
Suddenly, a lobster-man in a white doctor's uniform shows up and wraps his claws around the shoulder's of both Kimi and Sama. “Hurray! I'm the Admiral, I am! Let's go!”
Kimi paused. “... Zoidberg? ... Didn't you try to eat me on Hoth?”
Zoidberg turned his head away. “I was huuuuuuungry!”
The Princess sighed. “So... the monster from Hoth... was actually a Rebel Admiral?”
“That's the way it looks.” Chewvenger replied.
Far away, in a darkened throne room, the evil Emperor Avatar sits in his throne, sipping a latte. He looks up as Darth CHoW enters the room.
“Hey Emp'. Listen, dude, there's a Rebel Fleet building up just outside our radar. I sensed them. My kid's with them, too.” CHoW, in his usual laid-back manner, yawned.
“If you can sense them, so can I. Send the fleet to the far side of Endor. That way we can hide our ships and sneak attack those Rebel scumbags when they show up.” The Emperor grinned.
CHoW raised an eyebrow... on his helmet... which doesn't even make sense. “What about Kimi?”
“She is of no concern. She will seek us out. Then, she will be turned... or destroyed.”
“Sweet... Where'd you get the latte?”
On the forest Moon of Endor, in a small clearing surrounded by tall, ancient trees, the Imperial Shuttle now rests. A few Rebel troopers are standing around, while Han, Rose, Kimi, Chewvenger and Taz2 are standing at the front.
“... Well, we made it to Endor.” Han grinned. “Now all we have to do is shut down that power station and we're all big heroes! It's kind of exciting.”
The Princess paused. “Yeah... but how are we going to infiltrate the Imperial Shield Generator? We'll need stealth and cunning...”
Kimi nodded in agreement. “We'll have to use the Force.”
Sama, though, shook his head. “Naw! I've got a much better plan. Chewvenger... get the paint!”
Two Imperial Stormtroopers were standing around outside the Shield Generator on Endor.
“Dude... Darth CHoW is a genius, man.” The first said.
“How so?”
“Well, like, he had us round up all the cute, furry forest animals that could possibly unite against us and imprison them in a cell in the Generator's Facility. Wasn't that smart?”
“... I suppose. But... wouldn't the Shield Generator's high doses of radiation cause those innocent little Ewoks to mutate into vicious, rabid beasts capable of eating bones?” The second asked.
“Whoa... that's, like, far out.”
A second later, a row of trees was pushed aside as a Imperial Shuttle flew right at the base. This shuttle, though, had been painted with some new colors.
As some 80's heroic music started to play, Han Sama and Chewvenger leaned out of the windows of the Shuttle and started firing laser blasts at the base. For no good reason, things started to explode all over the place. Not just the Generator's mechanical equipment... but rocks, trees... even a nearby lake exploded.
Then, as the Imperials started to regroup and shoot at the painted shuttle, there was a mighty roar. The Generator Building's roof was ripped open and a giant, fuzzy monster appeared. It had once been a small, timid Ewok... but radiation does a number on a lot of things.
The monster Ewoks started rampaging all around, destroying the shield generator and stepping on the Imperial Troopers.
From inside the A-Shuttle, Kimi blinked. “I don't remember THAT from the films.”
“Okay. It's official. I'm shaving as soon as this is over. The furry monster look is now cliché.” Chewvenger sighed.
“Then you owe me a dollar.” Sama reminded him.
Princess Rose paused. “... We're we supposed to have a variety of scenes here on Endor, including speeder chases and bonding time at the Ewok Village?”
Taz2 shrugged. “Probably the result of a lazy author who waits till the last second to do everything.”
“... SO, kid, you going to fight CHoW?” Sama asked, in an attempt to change the subject.
“I may as well.” Kimi yawned. “He's my dad. I know” She saw the shocked expressions on them. “I know, freaky, huh? Oh, speaking of which... Rose, you're apparently my twin sister.”
The Princess blinked. “... Freaky.”
“Hate to interrupt, but the Shield's are now officially down on the Death Star. I guess, if Kimi wants to, we can give her a lift to face CHoW.” Taz2 confirmed.
“Alright! We stopped the Shield Generator! I love it when a plan comes together!” Han grinned. “And with that final A-Team reference, let's give Kimi a ride to the Death Star, shall we?”
Meanwhile, in Space, the gigantic see-through laser shield that surrounded the Death Star vanishes. From the Command Ship, Vidit grins as he sees this. At his side is Admiral Zoidberg.
“It's time! All ships, attack now! Stick to the plan!” Commander Vidit exclaimed over the intercom system.
“Not so fast!” A new voice spoke. A blond man appeared on the screen in front of General Vidit and Admiral Zoidberg. Zoidberg gasps and bows. Vidit groans.
“It's me... Zapp Brannigan! I have a brilliant plan to confuse the enemy! We'll make them think we're retreating by flying all of our fleet towards the Death Star – backwards! That way they'll think we're running, and then we can pounce.” The idiot Captain grinned.
Vidit grabbed his microphone and yelled: “NO! He's not in Command!” ... But it was too late. Half of the Rebel Fleet was flying backwards like Brannigan ordered, and the other half was followed Joha in the Aluminum Potato on the original mission.
In the confusion, several Imperial ships were easily destroyed... unfortunately, several Rebel ships were also easily destroyed.
From the Aluminum Potato, Joha sighs. “Greeeeeat. Could this get worse?”
A second later, the Death Star fires it's destructive cannon into one of the Rebel ships; instantly obliterating it!
“OH YEAH!” CHoW grinned, his helmeted face pressed against the window. “Fully operational! We're fully operational! Yeah, yeah!” He was doing a little jig, happy that the invasion was going so well.
A second later, a painted Imperial Shuttle crashed through the window on the left side of the room and landed on the ground. A large steel sheet slammed shut to keep the people in the room from being sucked into space; but the window on the right side of the room was still intact and was left uncovered.
Emperor Avatar bolted out of his chair. “What the--?”
The door opened and out came Kimi Cakeeater, a green lightsaber active in her hand. “Hey, daaaaaaad! Time to talk about all that back-allowance you owe me!”
CHoW turned his own saber on. “Awesome. I was getting bored anyway. Let's fight!” His red saber clicked on and he jumped into the air, spun around several times, and landed, swinging his sword right at her! She blocked with ease, though, and pushed him away.
“I'm a Jedi now!” Kimi shouted. “You can't win!” The two crossed blades again, this time CHoW was able to knock her back – but she regained her footing, moved to the side and slashed at CHoW – getting perfect revenge for Cloud City.
CHoW's arm landed on the ground near the Emperor's feet. “Whoa...”
CHoW looked down at his burnt, mechanical stump. “... Bah! Just a flesh wound!”
He jumped at Kimi, now using his saber in his opposite hand. The two blades danced for another few hits, red slashing green, emerald cutting ruby... then at last, there was a second connected strike – and CHoW's remaining arm hit the ground. He paused and looked to Kimi, who raised an eyebrow.
“. . . I can still kick!”
He kicked at her – and his leg was cut away. Hopping on his one remaining foot, CHoW jumped up and tried to fall on her – but she moved away and cut off his last leg.
CHoW managed to prop himself up, but in doing so his helmet fell off. “Get over here and I'll bite you!” He yelled, insistent.
Sometime while the father and daughter were battling, the other Rebels on the Shuttle had gotten out and gathered around to watch. When CHoW was left without a leg to stand on, the Emperor stood up.
“This was NOT in the script... but I'll make the best of it! Kimi Cakeeater, any interest in joining me?” He asked.
Kimi crossed her arms. “You know what Emperor? Bite Bender's shiny metal ass!” She spat at the offer.
Emperor Avatar sighed. “Alrighty then... you leave me no choice.” He raised his hands and sent forth great arcing forks of lightning. Everyone was struck by them and hit the ground, electricity blazing at their bodies.
“Aw... gonna... die...” Chewvenger complained.
“... I love you.” Han called, recalling the last time he thought he was about to die.
“I know.” Rose replied.
The Emperor made a gagging sound. “Why must the good guys ALWAYS get so sappy!?” He complained loudly, his hands on his hips. It took him a second to realize that his annoyed gesture had stopped the flow of lightning to his victims. He raised his hands, but before he could resume his attack, Kimi had jumped up and pushed him with the force.
The Emperor flew across the room – and into the one window not covered by steel plating. It shattered, and the Emperor flew into space.
“Hah! Burn!” Chewvenger grinned.
Taz2 rubbed her chin thoughtfully. “That... wasn't really a 'burn'...” She paused, and then rolled over to the wall. A small metal claw came out of her side and plugged into the control console on the Emperor's chair.
A second later, the Death Star fired – and struck the floating Emperor.
“Now THAT was a burn!” Taz2 grinned sheepishly.
Kimi grinned to the others and pumped her fists in the air, excitedly. The ghostly images of Ben Spoonobi and Sporka waved to her from outside the window and her happiness only grew.
“Alrighty! I saved the day! I guess I'm a Jedi after all.” Kimi boasted.
“YOU saved the day?” Sama ran over to her. “No, way! I'm the hero, here!”
Kimi blinked. “Whaaaaat? All you did was play kissyface with the princess! How is that saving the day?”
Sama crossed his arms. “You never would have destroyed him if I hadn't have distracted him.”
Kimi opened her mouth to argue, but then paused. “... Ever get that Deja Vu feeling?”
Sama scratched the back of his neck. “Now that you mention it...”
THE END
<Sama Says> Yeah... this one might have diverted from the movie a lot more than the other too... but I tried to make it funnier. ^_^
Clown Prince of Crime - March 1, 2008 03:24 PM (GMT)
Indeed, this one was considerably more different from the movie it's spoofing than the previous two installments, but well played anyway, sir. Pinky and the Hutt was a nice touch, although I must say I never expected to see Samus or Ganon in such a comedic story as this. :heh:
And, as promised, here's something I should have had up a long time ago. Just click here for your long awaited something-or-other.
And, as promised, here's something I should have had up a long time ago. Just click here for your long awaited something-or-other.
Crystal Rose - March 1, 2008 06:10 PM (GMT)
Amazing Sama! XD Since I have never watched the movies I have no clue what you took out/changed so it's all good with me!
Totally funny and a great way to end it!!!
Totally funny and a great way to end it!!!
| QUOTE |
| “Booyah. That counts as a victory for me.” Cojo Fett grinned. “Think again ninja boy, this isn't canon!” Kimi yelled back. “IT STILL COUNTS!” Cojo Fett yelled back. “NUH UH!” Kimi replied, then she grabbed a second rock and threw it at him. |
XD Poor Rowen, can't seem to catch a break can he?
The poor poor fourth wall....Crumbled XD
Avenger29 - March 1, 2008 06:25 PM (GMT)
Crumbled? That wall is lucky to even be particles still!
Anyways, brilliant, brilliant ending, amigo.
Anyways, brilliant, brilliant ending, amigo.
The Vidit of Light - March 1, 2008 06:54 PM (GMT)
That was...yeah.
Still, funny stuff. But one question: if the Death Star isn't destroyed, wouldn't Kimi and co. want to get off it ASAP before Joha's strike force accomplishes its objective?
And yeah. Why am I stuck with incompetent subordinates?
Vidit grabbed his microphone and yelled: “NO! He's not in Command!” ... But it was too late. Half of the Rebel Fleet was flying backwards like Brannigan ordered, and the other half was followed Joha in the Aluminum Potato on the original mission.
Arg...the stress of command...
Oh yeah, and the Monty Python Black Knight reference. Good job.
:LOL:
Still, funny stuff. But one question: if the Death Star isn't destroyed, wouldn't Kimi and co. want to get off it ASAP before Joha's strike force accomplishes its objective?
And yeah. Why am I stuck with incompetent subordinates?
Vidit grabbed his microphone and yelled: “NO! He's not in Command!” ... But it was too late. Half of the Rebel Fleet was flying backwards like Brannigan ordered, and the other half was followed Joha in the Aluminum Potato on the original mission.
Arg...the stress of command...
Oh yeah, and the Monty Python Black Knight reference. Good job.
:LOL:
GoldenSama - March 2, 2008 12:30 AM (GMT)
| QUOTE (Clown Prince of Crime @ Mar 1 2008, 10:24 AM) |
| And, as promised, here's something I should have had up a long time ago. Just click here for your long awaited something-or-other. |
Glad you liked the story Spoony! ^^; It was pretty different, but I had just finished watching some really, really weird anime with my friend and I was in a mood to do something random and screwy.
Oh, and the something-or-other... well, apparently I don't have permission to view whatever it is. X_x
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Glad you liked it C_R! It is really different from the movie, but I tried to make it a lot funnier. The important thing is, you enjoyed it, so hurray!
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Yeaaaah... I'm not on speaking terms with the fourth wall. XD Glad you enjoyed it Avenger!
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Eh, if Joha's team destroys the Death Star, they can always jump out the side... after all, the fourth wall is missing. XD
I hope you enjoyed it despite the randomness.
Clown Prince of Crime - March 2, 2008 12:46 AM (GMT)
| QUOTE (GoldenSama @ Mar 1 2008, 04:30 PM) |
| Oh, and the something-or-other... well, apparently I don't have permission to view whatever it is. X_x |
It's in the Anime Theater Zone. Come on, GS, you're a mod, you should know the password. XD
Dark Phazon - March 2, 2008 07:59 PM (GMT)
| QUOTE (GoldenSama @ Mar 1 2008, 07:08 AM) |
| A second later, a row of trees was pushed aside as a Imperial Shuttle flew right at the base. This shuttle, though, had been painted with some new colors. As some 80's heroic music started to play, Han Sama and Chewvenger leaned out of the windows of the Shuttle and started firing laser blasts at the base. For no good reason, things started to explode all over the place. Not just the Generator's mechanical equipment... but rocks, trees... even a nearby lake exploded. |
Hell yeah!!!
XD XD XD
Absolutely hilarious! Awesome work, GS!!