Title: Behind The Sunglasses
GoldenSama - March 26, 2009 11:07 AM (GMT)
<Sama Says> . . . Okay, so it wasn't done before Thursday, but I was only a few hours late! … <_< I KNOW, I FAIL AT LIFE.
Phazon groaned and slowly opened his eyes. Though the room was so dark it hardly made a difference. From what little he could gather, Phazon was strapped to a wall with some kind of energy cuffs around his wrists and ankles.
“You might actually be able to see if you didn't insist on the dark shades look all the time.”
Phazon lifted his head, and he could barely make out the silhouette of a tall figure in the corner. He could not see any details on the person's face or clothing. He could remember being attacked in his apartment by an unknown, dark-haired assailant and assumed this person and that one were the same.
“I'm the Chaos Man. I run a popular blog. I'm somewhat of a celebrity to the outcasts in Teh City.” Chaos Man explained, slowly moving about the room. His voice had a quiver to it – the pitch and tone seemed to change as he spoke.
“You're also a Flan-I, or something similar. Otherwise you couldn't have blasted me like you did before.” Phazon pointed out.
Chaos Man snickered. “You don't waste time on chit chat, do ya?”
Phazon groaned. “I'm not a big fan of evil monologues.”
“I recall you had one or two in your day.” Chaos Man retorted, and even without any way of seeing his face, Phazon assumed there was an obnoxious smirk in place with the comment.
“... So what is all this? Are you someone who wants revenge against me because of something I did back then?” Phazon reasoned.
Chaos Man shrugged. “Actually, it's part of a overly-complicated plan to steal all the milk from every cow in the world!”
Phazon blinked. “Really?”
“No. No, I'm just a guy who likes explosions and causing trouble.” Chaos Man replied happily.
“. . . Avatar?”
Chaos Man coughed and sweat dropped. “NO! There are OTHER people who like blowing things up and making trouble, you know!”
“So why am I here?” Phazon asked, desperate to get to the point.
“... We're going to play a little game. Let me explain... as we speak, Rikku and Ema Skye are tied up in a dark, windowless room like this one. They do have company, though: a bomb.”
Phazon felt a suddenly burst of anger, and his fists clenched until his knuckles started to turn white. “If you hurt them...”
“That's up to you. The bomb can be deactivated with a key.”
“Give it to me!” Phazon demanded.
Chaos Man shrugged in the shadows, and then walked over and slipped a key into Phazon's jacket pocket. He blinked in confusion twice.
“T-That was easy.” Phazon stammered.
“Don't be too happy, pal, I planned to give it to you all along. The real game is finding the girls – they're in a dark, windowless room and that's all the details you get for now. If you want to go looking for them on your own, you can... but you only have one hour from the moment I release you from the energy bonds. So, instead, you can do some . . . favors . . . for me. For every favor your complete, I'll give you a clue. Understood?” Chaos Man's voice dripped with happiness.
Phazon's brow furrowed and his fists clenched. “I don't like being used as a puppet for a psycho.”
Chaos Man snickered. “The difference between now and when Pepper used you is simple; you have a choice this time. If you don't want to be working for me, don't. It'll mean the deaths of Ema and Rikku, but hey, do whatever you want.”
Phazon closed his eyes. “Fine. What do you want me to do?”
Chaos Man laughed loudly for a moment, throwing back his head. “Excellent! Excellent . . . In that case, you just need to transport a package to Teh Park. You'll find your friends there – but you're not allowed to tell them what's going on, or the girls go boom.”
A horrible thought crossed Phazon's mind. A package? Was this part of some sinister plan to hurt his friends? Or was Chaos Man just a crazy freak who wanted to literally play a game? He did not know, and it did not matter; he had no choice.
“Fine. I'll go.” Phazon sighed.
“Goodie! In that case . . . let's play.” Chaos Man vanished into a puff of smoke, and as he did the energy bars around Phazon's ankles and wrists disappeared as well, dropping him to the ground.
Quickly, Phazon jumped up and ran out of the room. He was standing outside of a shipping warehouse down at Teh Docks. A quick look around and he found a large, silver briefcase on the ground with his name written across the side and assumed it had to be the 'package' Chaos Man wanted him to deliver.
Phazon grabbed the briefcase and set off down the road. A unsettling feeling fell over him as he ran. He sensed someone was watching him, and he doubted it was the 'Chaos Man'. He gave a brief sigh and spun around.
And found a large, green zombie towering above him.
“. . . I guess he forgot to mention this part of the game.” Phazon gave a suffering sigh and quickly jumped back as the zombie lurched forward. It was much faster than the movie zombies, a fact that would have inspired a long, irritated tirade from Kimi and Sama.
Phazon only had an hour, so he decided to skip it. He reached for his saber, but as he did large bandages shot from the zombies arms and flew at him like a whirlwind. Even with his enhanced Flan-I speed, he did not have time to dodge it. The bandages hit his chest and quickly wrapped themselves around his arms and legs, making him fall backwards onto the dock.
He looked up and quickly saw the zombie shuffled over, standing directly above him. It roared, and reached towards him. Luckily, as with most heroes with binding over their hands, at the very last possible second he was able to reach his flansaber and flick the switch.
The bright blade blazed to light and burned the bandages away from him. Phazon rolled and then jumped up, flinging himself right at the zombie. It roared once more and a foul smelling cloud of zombie breath, which was actually visible to the naked eye as a green cloud, hit him in the face and sent him back to the ground.
“Ugh. THIS is why I hate the undead.” Phazon groaned, shaking his head and trying to clear the stench. His eyes were watering beneath his glasses, his ears were ringing and he was suddenly off balance. His nose itched and his throat burned.
“Just once I'd like to meet a zombie who knows what mouthwash is!”
The zombie ran over, but even with his head stuck in a funk Phazon managed to swing his saber accurately enough to sever the zombie's left foot, sending him sprawling backwards against one of the shipping buildings.
Phazon climbed up and with a final shake of his head, his senses were restored. The zombie, although reduced to having a single foot, seemed completely undaunted by the entire situation. It charged forward again, running at a slower, more-lopsided pace.
The Flan-I Master jumped to meet him again, but this time he sent a wave of bright blue lightning to meet the monster before it could breath on him. The zombie lit up with a bright electric charge, and as it groaned Phazon slashed twice more.
The zombie staggered back and fell into Teh Bay; its arms were left on the dock. Phazon stole a glance at his watch as he deactivated his saber and he was pleasantly surprised. He had wasted five minutes disposing of the zombie, but it had seemed like much longer when his head was in the daze.
“Can't afford to stand around...” Phazon muttered. He grabbed the briefcase once more and took off for Teh Park. It was actually a short distance – the harbor was close to the K Tower, and Teh Park was not too far from there.
[. . .]
Unknown to most, it was actually a Holiday in Teh City. National Plot Device Day, a celebration where the do-gooers of Teh City gather together in Teh Park for a barbecue. A time for fun, and for advancing whatever insane storyline happens to be going on that day in a highly coincidental way.
“Wow, the news guy was right when he said nobody in Teh City even tries to be serious.” Leaf Green, the newest Flan-I-in-training was in awe of the absurdity around her.
“Aw, come on, it's not that bad is it.” Spoony, who was standing nearby flipping hamburgers on a grill, asked with a raised eyebrow.
“Right now, Avatar and Vidit are having a paintball duel.” Green pointed out. Then, after a brief pause, she added: “Only... instead of paintball guns, they're using energy rifles.”
Spoony blinked and turned his head slightly to the right; where he saw Vidit and Avatar running through the playground equipment, sending bright blue beams of energy at one another from high-tech rifles.
“H-Hey! Don't kill anyone!” Spoony yelled, a sweatdrop forming on his neck.
“Relax, they're stun lasers!” Avatar called back as he dove beneath a swing and fired a blast at Vidit.
The Secret Agent's backpack exploded open to reveal giant metallic spider-legs, which quickly hoisted him high above the danger and let him return fire easily from above. Avatar rolled across the ground until he was under the protect cover of a slide; then he slowly ducked his head out and shot back.
“You're out-matched, Mr. Mask!” Vidit taunted from high above, continuing his rapid-fire assault.
“Pfft! Maybe for now, but I'm about to transform into a swarm of vicious honeybees and consume you like a ravenous mountain cloud!” Avatar retorted.
Vidit blinked. “Can you actually do that?”
Avatar paused. “N-No... It's a figure of speech!”
Spoony shook his head. “Most of the Flan-I are a cakewalk, but Avatar has a way of being almost as hard-to-control as Kimi and Sama.”
“Does that mean you're forfeiting the bet?” On a nearby bench, Crystal and Tazzy were drinking smoothies.
Spoony furrowed his brow. “Why would I forfeit? I'm winning!”
Crystal crossed her arms. “How do you figure that?”
Spoony pointed in the distance. Crystal turned and sighed; in the skies above them, a familiar flying car was spinning wildly out of control. A few seconds passed by, and then the car smashed fender-first into the parking lot at the edge of Teh Park.
The good news was it landed in a parking space. Unfortunately, it was already occupied.
“This is all your fault, you know!” Kimi growled as the roof of her car was ripped off and tossed aside.
“HOW is this POSSIBLY my fault!?” Sama demanded, crawling out the side window. “I TOLD you that I should drive! But nooooooooooooo~!”
Kimi crossed her arms and glared. “Yes! You foresaw this happening, and you let me drive anyway! What kind of an idiot does that!?”
Sama's jaw dropped. “You said you'd hit me with the couch if I didn't give you the keys!”
Kimi shook her head. “YOU'RE FAULT! I'm the star, I can't be to blame.”
Sama paused. “Technically, I think Phazon's the star of this episode...”
Kimi opened her mouth to reply, but closed it again. Apparently she was momentarily stumped – a rare sight for sure. However, after a second she snapped back into her usual sarcasm. “I want an episode about ME! When is that happening?”
Sama blinked. “Um... the next one.”
Kimi shrugged. “Oh. Cool.”
The two paused and looked around. Kimi rubbed her neck and Sama raised one of his eyebrows.
“Okay, where's the friggin' wall?” Sama asked aloud, wondering how they'd gone on this long without being attacked in anger.
“We're outside.” Tazzy pointed out as the hero and the sidekick arrived at the tables.
“... He doesn't appear...” Kimi's voice sounded as if a wonderful revelation had just hit her.
“... If we're outside...?” Sama was practically giddy.
“Heeeeeeeeeey! You two are supposed to be on your BEST behavior until I win this bet!” Crystal reminded them, quickly jumping in front of the two.
“Heh, sorry, we'll do better next tim--” Sama started to say, while rubbing the back of his neck sheepishly. Until Kimi punched him in the head.
“HEY! We're on SPOONY's side, remember?” Kimi demanded.
“Oh? You are?” Crystal asked, crossing her arms.
Spoony stood quietly, but he glanced over.
Sama flushed. “Um... erm... well... see, I... all things considered... um... OH LOOK, Phazon's here, and he has a briefcase!”
In an instant, Sama had ran to the side of Phazon and threw an arm around his shoulder. The sunglass-wearing Flan-I had only just arrived a matter of seconds ago, and instantly he was uncomfortable. Chaos Man, while having not mentioned zombies, had been very clear about not telling anyone what was going on.
“Quick Phazon, do something!” Sama demanded, then he whispered: “No matter what I say, I'll be in major trouble!”
Phazon coughed. “Actually, I'm in kind of in a hurry...” He had no idea how Chaos Man would be contacting him for his next demand, but he doubted it would happen with Sama dragging him towards the others.
Suddenly, he felt a buzzing in his ear, and he heard Chaos Man's voice.
“Relax bud. Go ahead and open up the case for your friends. I'm sure they'll enjoy what's inside.”
Phazon's eyes darted around behind his shades, but no one else seemed to have heard it. He chose his words carefully, to make it sound like he was replying to Sama's earlier inquiry.
“Yeah, alright. I'll show you guys what's in the case...” Phazon said, trying not to seem flustered. Glancing at the group that was now forming beside the picnic tables, no one seemed to notice anything was wrong. Even Avatar and Vidit, who had at length returned to the tables, seemed oblivious.
“Well, come on!” Kimi demanded, crossing her arms in impatience. “Open it up! And don't try pulling a Pulp Fiction on us!”
Phazon, who was as curious as everyone else, slowly sat the briefcase down on the table and glanced around one final time. For a moment, he thought he saw a suspicious eyebrow raise on Spoony's forehead, but a second glance his way revealed a happy-go-lucky expression.
Clicking the lock, Phazon opened the case. As soon as the lid went up, the contents flew out like a rat throwing itself off a sinking ship. Although in this case, the result was far more rewarding.
A gigantic cake sprung forth from the suitcase and landed on the middle of the picnic table, not a single bit of frosting out of place. It broke several of the laws of physics, but no one really seemed to pay attention. (Aside from Green, who was frantically looking around, but decided not to say anything after seeing no one else looked surprised.)
“CAKE!” Kimi jumped up and grinned; any previous sense of annoyance forgotten in a second. “This is by far my favorite part of the job.”
Phazon paled as a loud chatter started about the cake. He clenched his fists tightly and wondered if this was all a psychotic joke for Chaos Man. A glance at his watch told him he'd already lost twenty minutes on the trip here and the insanity he'd run into with his friends.
'Is there even a bomb? Are Rikku and Ema really in danger? . . . I can't risk it. Even if I don't understand, I can't let them down.'
Phazon crossed his arms, feeling his anger rising but unable to openly express it. Suddenly, his ear buzzed once more and he heard the voice that no one else seemed to notice.
“Excellent. Now, like I said, I'll give you a hint. Remember the shipping docks where you woke up? Heh . . . one of the sixty-some warehouses on those docks IS the dark, windowless place where I have them locked up. Wasn't it fun to waste that much time when you started out so close? I thought so.” Chaos Man informed him.
Phazon felt like screaming, but he kept it inside. He knew he had to get back to the shipping warehouse right away. “I, erm, have to go . . . the girls are waiting for me.”
Without endeavoring to explain himself further, Phazon turned and walked out of Teh Park. As soon as he was out of eye-shot of his friends, he broke into a brisk run. He was running much lower on time than he wanted to be, and it seemed the entire errand was a gigantic trick.
“... Anybody else think he was acting weird?” Tazzy wondered, crossing her arms.
“I think ALL of this is weird.” Her apprentice, Leaf Green, groaned and put her head on the table.
“Eh. Probably something evil going on.” Kimi reasoned. “I'll deal with it . . . as soon as someone cuts this cake! I'm not waiting for the rest of you any longer if it doesn't happen right now!”
On Kimi's demand, Spoony grabbed a large knife from his cooking apron and touched it to the top of the cake. The second it cut into the frosting, there was a massive explosion that sent crumbs, icing and sprinkles all over the clothes and hair of everyone in a twenty foot radius.
Luckily, the sprinkles were the single most dangerous thing that hit the group of heroes.
“. . . DUDE!” Sama complained loudly, wiping frosting from his hair. “I cannot believe Phazon just played a trick like that on all of us! Cold.”
“... Cold, yes, but delicious.” Kimi replied, having instantly cleaned her face of the cake. “I really love getting my super powers from cake!”
Vidit, who endeavored to get the frosting off his shirt, frowned. “Beats a radioactive spider bite, I suppose.”
“Spider?” Sama meekly looked around, suddenly fearful.
Spoony suddenly stepped forward, his arms crossed and a dark look in his eyes. “Something isn't right, you guys. Phazon was acting strange... and he's smart enough to know if he's going to pull a prank, not to use cake.”
Kimi nodded. “Yeah, it's one thing to try to kill me, but when you mess with cake, that's crossing a sacred line. Ass-kicking is the only suitable punishment!” She pounded her fist into her hand.
“Wait.” Spoony replied, glaring in Kimi's direction, although his fury was not aimed at her. He stared past her, towards the way Phazon had ran. “Something was wrong. I don't think this was a prank, and I don't think it was his idea, either.”
Crystal nodded. “You might be right. Something was just not right about the way he was acting . . . I think he was under some kind of duress.”
“OH! Body snatchers! Or Yeerks! Or Pod People! Or Crazy Mayan ghosts that have come seeking revenge against Spain!” Avatar began rambling off a long list of possible, although incredibly unlikely explanations.
“... I really hate to interrupt, especially at these incredibly insane moments that always leave me uneasy,” Vidit started. “But if something IS wrong, then he may need our help. He mentioned the 'girls were waiting for him', could it be some kind of code?”
Tazzy leaned back a bit, pondering as she answered. “Well, usually Ema and Rikku are with him, right? Maybe . . . it was some kind of clue. Maybe they're in trouble.”
“THEY were possessed by the vengeful spirit of Wilford Brimley!” Avatar suggested.
Sama blinked. “Okay, hold on! First, I'm pretty sure he's still alive, although I'm not sure how I know that. Secondly, what is the deal with all the crazy conspiracy theories?”
Avatar shrugged. “Eh, I'm just throwing out possibilities for the origin story of the next major villain, ya know?”
“... I'm pretty sure whatever the back story, it won't involve Mayan Graveyards or Wilford Brimley.” Vidit said, and then he paused. “... I hope.”
“Shouldn't we go after him?” Kimi suggested, as usual, bored stiff by the mountains of conversation that always preceded a mission.
“No.” Crystal shook her head. “Phazon is one of the top Flan-I. If someone is threatening him or the girls, they've got to have serious skills; and they'll know we're on to them if they see Kimi and Sama follow him.”
“So what do we do?” Leaf Green asked.
Crystal turned to the Spoon. “Can you still hit people with thunder and transform them into other people?”
Spoony nodded. “Yeah. I've got all sorts of crazy powers that I never get to use. Who am I transforming, and into what?”
[. . .]
While his friends had been 'discussing' the situation, Phazon was running back towards the shipping yards. He made even better time on the way back than he had coming; but he was still anxious. He had less than half and hour before the bomb would supposedly go off, and there were over sixty buildings to check.
He ran down the row of shipping buildings, but it was taking too long. He had to run to each warehouse and open the door; but many of them were locked and even glancing inside them it was too dark to see.
Turning around, he decided he had to take a different tactic. However, as he turned around, he saw something that caused a groan.
It was the zombie, thought slightly changed. His skin had turned from green to blue, and the missing foot was replaced with metal. His missing arms had been replaced too . . . with chainsaws.
“. . . Now that's just wrong.” Phazon groaned.
“You want to know what's wrong? Cutting off my arms and my foot! That's incredibly shifty of you, you ruffian!” The zombie growled, staring daggers at Phazon.
Phazon blinked. “You, um, can talk? . . . and with a dignified-sounding European accent no less!”
“Indeed.” The zombie replied. “Now, have at you!”
That said, the zombie let out a loud roar and the chainsaws on his arms blazed to life. He crashed them together over his head, showering sparks in every direction, and then he charged at Phazon and tried to hack him to bits.
Phazon jumped back and shot a bolt of lightning. It hit the chainsaws, but it was deflected into various directions and channeled away from the zombie's body and did not so much as slow down the zombie.
As the chainsaws flew at his face, Phazon jumped back and avoided them narrowly. He flashed out his flansaber and struck the chainsaws, knocking them away and burning a few of the large blades down.
“Alright, let's try something new.” Phazon decided. He jumped straight up, and as the zombie stared up at him in the air, he threw his saber down. The chainsaws knocked it aside, but in the split seconds as the zombie blocked against them, Phazon fired a bright beam of lightning at the zombie's left elbow, right where the saw connected to it.
There was an explosion and the chainsaw fell off its left arm, knocking into the right one and dropping that chainsaw to the ground. The zombie staggered backwards and, once again, bumped into a railing and toppled over into the bay below.
“He better not come back...” Phazon paused, and looked around. “I'M SERIOUS! No more crazy-arms zombie! It's not cool anymore, and there's no way it can become cool!”
His annoyance had not yet subsided, but a glance at his watch told him there was no time. He had less than twenty minutes left before the bomb would go off. Had there been commercials, he would have already been too late.
Turning, he looked about the shipping dock and frantically tried to come up with a plan that would help him find the girls in the sliver of time he had left. As his head swiveled around, glancing at the buildings, he saw four other life forms.
Sadly none of them were Ema or Rikku. Instead, two of them were a young man in a blue Hawaiian shirt and a black space helmet next to a younger male in a jacket with a crazy jester symbol on the back. Darth CHoW and Chaos Halberd.
The other two? A eight-year-old blond girl with pigtails and pink shoes and her fuzzy-furred dog that stood beside her.
“Great, not only am I running out of time and running INTO the new version of the gruesome twosome, but there's innocent kids and pets around.” Phazon rubbed his forehead with his thumb and forefinger.
“You forgot to complain about Halberd and I stealing Avatar and Vidit's paralysis rifles.” CHoW informed him, as the two Fallen Flan-I produced the energy rifles from behind them. Phazon, who had not been there to see the energy sparring earlier could only ask one question.
“... What are you talking about, and how did you steal those when you weren't there either?”
The fourth wall, while absent from this story, would like me to point out that Phazon's “one question” was actually two.
I'd like to point out to the fourth wall that that fact was completely obvious to everyone, and he clearly is not smarter than a fourth grader.
Thank you. This random interlude brought to you by Fishy Joe's. Try our new Popplers!
And by Vitametavegimin, which is offering a thousand points of win to anyone who can name both references without google's help.
Halberd shrugged. “We work for the Chaos Man now, our entire existence is to do the chaotic and the unexpected. So it doesn't matter if it doesn't make sense . . . in fact, it's essential that it not make sense.”
CHoW coughed. “I work WITH Chaos Man, not FOR.”
Phazon shook his head. “And I don't care . . . although if you are working for that freak, you probably know which warehouse Ema and Rikku are in, don't you?”
The Sith Lord nodded. “Of course! And if you do as you're told, I'll tell you. If not . . .” CHoW held up a small remote. “I can detonate that bomb early for ya.”
“What NOW? Another exploding, but harmless cake?” Phazon demanded.
“Naw.” Halberd turned to his side and picked up a large, cylindrical cannon. It looked like a giant tube of PVC pipe, but it had been transformed into a kind of electrical laser cannon using a crude, but highly advanced technology.
“This time, all you have to do is blow up a tower.” CHoW snickered.
Phazon crossed his arms. “Are you serious? THAT is Chaos Man's big, unexpected plan? Blowing up the K Tower? I have to give your boss credit, CHoW, at least he's being original and interesting.”
Rather than the annoyed answer Phazon had expected, CHoW laughed. “I never said the K Tower. Nope. This time, it's the SPOON Tower. The Mayor's Office is a shining beacon to everyone in this city that good always wins and things always go back the way they were in the end, whether its the ghost of a soft drink, crazy caped future freaks or really awesome villains in really awesome helmets.”
Phazon did not have time to reply to CHoW's incredibly self-serving view of the world. He clenched his eyes beneath his sunglasses. This was bad.
That Tower, even if currently occupied by someone else, was still a monument to everything the Spoon had done since founding Teh City. It truly was a beacon that justice would prevail, and that even when there were substantial changes like new faces, or side-switching characters or romantic subplots, when the dust settled the spirit of things would always be the same.
“Oh yeah, I'm the self-serving one.” CHoW rolled his eyes.
Phazon was at an impossible decision. Destroying the Spoon Tower was something he could not do. The Spoon was his oldest friend, they had trained together beneath Pepper and they still had a regular board game match once a week. He could not betray him.
At the same time, the Phazon Anything Agency had signed both Ema and Rikku on as clients, and he considered them very dear friends. He could not allow them to die because of his actions, or lack-thereof.
“. . . I think I liked Chaos Man better when he was pulling pranks.” Phazon whispered.
“He never was.” Chaos Halberd snapped back. “The cake thing was just a build up to throw you off guard. CM likes to throw dramatic monkey wrenches into things at the last minute. It's pretty much his MO.”
CHoW shrugged. “I'm bored. You can get all angsty later, Phazo. For now, something is blowing up; the tower or the women. You're choice.”
Suddenly, CHoW yelped out in pain as the teeth of the shaggy-haired dog sunk into his exposed ankle. (The ultimate danger of being a super villain in sandals.) In his pain, he threw his arms up and the detonator flew from his grasp.
Halberd dove for it, but the little blond girl caught it first.
“Hand it over, kid.” Halberd demanded.
“Screw you, jerkwad!” The 'kid' delivered a kick to Halberd's stomach that sent him flying into the wall of a nearby shipping warehouse, then instantly spun around and kicked CHoW in the chest.
CHoW, after pulling himself up from the debris (he had crashed into a overflowing trash can) gasped. “There's only one girl in this city THAT annoying and strong enough to kick my ass!-- KIMI!”
“Uh, ya THINK?” Kimi crossed her arms.
CHoW made a whimpering sound beneath his helmet. “You . . . You look ridiculous!” He suddenly started laughing uncontrollably. “You're all tiny and you're blond! And with pig tails no less! This almost makes up for every time you've broken one of my bones!”
Kimi glared. “That's it, I'm not rooting for Spoony anymore in this stupid bet!”
“Ruff! Ruff!” The dog barked at her.
“Oh please, we all know why you're on her side.” Kimi rolled her eyes.
“R-Ruff . . .” The dog sweat dropped.
CHoW blinked, and then he laughed even harder. “Let me guess? Sama Doo? Ha . . . HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! Oh, oh that was so witty!”
“Ruff Roo Rhow!” Sama 'barked'.
“. . . You know, if I didn't know any better...” CHoW glared.
Suddenly, from behind them, Kimi the Kid and Sama Doo too were blasted with beams of blue energy, knocking them to the ground. They were perfectly conscious, but unable to move at all.
“OH CRAP!” Kimi growled. “Getting turned into a kid means I suddenly suck at fighting!”
“Ruff! Ruff! Ruuuuuuuff!” Sama whimpered.
Chaos Halberd ran over, his rifle still smoking from the shots. He grinned and turned on Phazon; and CHoW picked his rifle back up and pointed it as well.
Phazon groaned. He was running out of time to save the girls, and now he had to save Kimi and Sama too. He knew he could outfight CHoW and Halberd, but he feared that it would take too long.
There was just one thing he could do.
“Phazon! Why do you intend on covering up your greater powers?”
The trainee Phazon was standing in a grassy field. Not far away, a in-training Spoony was leaning against a tree, having already completely his daily exercises. Phazon was not yet finished – and it had caught the attention of their Master.
“I don't want to rely on that.” Phazon replied.
“Don't want to...?” Pepper seemed confused. “You have an incredible gift, Phazon! You need to use it to make yourself stronger!”
Phazon sighed and reached up, removing his sunglasses, a thing he never did. As they fell away, they revealed a pair of bright blue eyes with solid white pupils in the shape of a swirling star.
“. . . Oh crap.” CHoW groaned. “I did not know he was the obligatory 'crazy-eye-guy' for this series.”
Phazon gave a small smirk. “You're right, CHoW. I am. I have a rather unique ability . . . I can absorb almost any type of energy into my body. It increases my powers to a level you can't possibly imagine.”
CHoW crossed his arms. “I'll believe it when I see it.”
Phazon raised his right arm and a blue glow engulfed his glove; then it shot forward and smashed into Halberd, sending him flying backwards, bouncing over the dock all the way to the other end of the shipping yard, and off the side into the bay.
CHoW blinked, and in that moment he noticed that the right flap of his helmet had been eaten away by the blast of light. “Oh crap, you were serious.”
Kimi, although unable to fight, did glance at the dog and speak. “Hey. If he had these crazy uber-eye absorbing powers all along, how come he never used them against us when Pepper corrupted him?”
“Ruff! Ruffy, Ruf, Ruff, Ruff, Ruffy, Rooff!” Sama replied.
“Oh! That makes perfect sense and leaves absolutely no potential for plot holes!” Kimi grinned.
Phazon stepped forward. “For the last few years, I've hated using these powers. It was my ability to absorb energy that got me into so much trouble. Pepper tricked me into absorbing his evil energies. But ya know what, CHoW? You can go tell your boss that his plan worked. Something DID change . . . I'm going back to the Flan-I Order, and I'm going to use every last trick I have to defeat you and the rest of those freaks.”
CHoW blinked. “Somehow, I don't think that's what the boss . . . I MEAN, My partner, had in mind.”
Phazon raised his arms and then threw them down; a blast of energy shot from either side of him, like a consuming tidal wave. It sent CHoW flying right off the edge of the docks, to join Halberd.
Then he turned his sights on the shipping warehouses, and in a second he dashed forward at incredible speeds to a warehouse at the very end. He knocked the door down, and inside were his two assistants Rikku and Ema.
Reaching into his pocket, he took out the key and dropped next to the bomb. Suddenly, though, out of fear of one last trick from Chaos Man, he threw the key away and blasted the bomb with a ray of energy. It dissolved away, becoming harmless dust.
“Whoa.” Rikku blinked. “You've got crazy swirly eyes too!”
Phazon sweat dropped and fell over. He quickly grabbed his sunglasses and threw them back on, making the energy vanished from his body.
“... That fall wasn't because of Rikku, was it?” Ema asked.
“N-No,” Phazon breathed, and his voice sounded strained. “I can only use that power for so long... my eyes constantly absorb energy from the world around me. It's nearly unlimited power, but it also has the nasty side effect that it could destroy my body.”
Ema and Rikku exchanged glances.
“Man, that's a pretty big side effect.” Rikku sweat dropped.
“Scientifically impossible, but... so is most of what I see around this town.” Ema admitted, tapping her chin.
Phazon snickered softly. “I guess you two are fine... good... then there shouldn't be anything else to worry about...”
“I wouldn't say that, chap.”
The voice from behind him made Phazon turn around, and he gasped at what he saw, and this time he could not hold back his anger. “OH COME ON!”
It was the zombie. The same zombie he'd defeated twice before. It had turned red this time, and it now had cannons grafted onto its arms instead of chainsaws.
“. . . This is stupid.” Phazon growled. “There's nothing cool about that!”
Suddenly, the zombie fired one of the cannons. Rikku quickly pushed Phazon out of the way, barely keeping them both safe from being chopped up by the projectile – a chainsaw.
“. . . Cannons . . . that shoot chainsaws.” He blinked, looking at the chainsaw that he'd only just avoided seconds earlier. “That is cool . . . and I hate that I just admitted that.”
“Now, then, I'm going to finish this little scuffle of ours once and for all.” The zombie groaned in his refined voice once more, stepping forward and aiming the cannons.
“YO! Catch, crazy-eyes!” Kimi's voice rang out, and although the zombie turned and shot chainsaws at her, it was too late to help him. She had already thrown something at Phazon – the large pipe-shaped cannon that CHoW had tried to give him before.
Phazon, summoning the last of his strength, jumped to his knees, caught the cannon and aimed it at the zombie. The zombie turned back to him and aimed his own cannon hands.
“You're too weak to dodge my chainsaw cannon!” The zombie insisted.
“I am.” Phazon confirmed, a little smile on his face.
The zombie fired; so did Phazon. The energy beam destroyed both chainsaws in mid-air, and the half-mechanical zombie with them. This time, there was nothing left to come back.
Phazon collapsed onto his back from exhaustion.
Ema blinked, her eyes were wide and she looked scared, shocked and excited all at once. “H-How did you know you could get away with that!?”
Phazon shrugged weakly. “I figure if that cannon could blow up the Spoon Tower, it could take out some chainsaws. And if not... I'd have been one irritated flantom.”
On the roof of the Phazon Anything Agency, Spoony and Phazon were sitting in lawn chairs.
“Hey. Thanks for not blowing up my Tower.” The Great Spoon added.
“Yeah, no problem.” Phazon shrugged, and then he winced. “So, you going to give me a job in the Order?”
Spoony nodded. “Yeah, that'll work... but YOU'd better be rooting for me in the bet.”
Phazon snickered. “You lost Kimi's support, eh?”
Spoony gave a sigh. “Yeah... but I think she likes me not being able to tell her what to do. I still get to boss Sama around, though, so that's something.”
The Spoon paused. “... Although... now that I think about the two of them, I can't help but feel like I forgot something...”
“Roof! Ruff! Rhis Ris Ridiculous!”
“... We'd better turn back soon, or I'm going to bash some skulls.”
Woo! It feels so good to write this again. :D
I'd love to say the next episode will be done in three days or less . . . but apparently I suck at keeping on a schedule anymore. XD And I need to get caught up in RPs, and work on another SK&WS which is being co-made by AGOI, and there's also the fact I haven't been out of the house or played video games since my disappearing act. So... yeah.
Next episode WILL BE SOON! :D And in that next episode, we're introduced to Kimi's elder brother, Sama's grandparents and a trip down memory lane, when we'll see the event that inspired Kimi and Rush to try out for the super hero jobs in the first place! Plus: Squiggles, the talking Hamster!
All that, except for Squiggles, on the next insanity-inducing episode of [SK&WS]!
Episode 2009-05: Family Is Annoying!
Phazon groaned and slowly opened his eyes. Though the room was so dark it hardly made a difference. From what little he could gather, Phazon was strapped to a wall with some kind of energy cuffs around his wrists and ankles.
“You might actually be able to see if you didn't insist on the dark shades look all the time.”
Phazon lifted his head, and he could barely make out the silhouette of a tall figure in the corner. He could not see any details on the person's face or clothing. He could remember being attacked in his apartment by an unknown, dark-haired assailant and assumed this person and that one were the same.
“I'm the Chaos Man. I run a popular blog. I'm somewhat of a celebrity to the outcasts in Teh City.” Chaos Man explained, slowly moving about the room. His voice had a quiver to it – the pitch and tone seemed to change as he spoke.
“You're also a Flan-I, or something similar. Otherwise you couldn't have blasted me like you did before.” Phazon pointed out.
Chaos Man snickered. “You don't waste time on chit chat, do ya?”
Phazon groaned. “I'm not a big fan of evil monologues.”
“I recall you had one or two in your day.” Chaos Man retorted, and even without any way of seeing his face, Phazon assumed there was an obnoxious smirk in place with the comment.
“... So what is all this? Are you someone who wants revenge against me because of something I did back then?” Phazon reasoned.
Chaos Man shrugged. “Actually, it's part of a overly-complicated plan to steal all the milk from every cow in the world!”
Phazon blinked. “Really?”
“No. No, I'm just a guy who likes explosions and causing trouble.” Chaos Man replied happily.
“. . . Avatar?”
Chaos Man coughed and sweat dropped. “NO! There are OTHER people who like blowing things up and making trouble, you know!”
“So why am I here?” Phazon asked, desperate to get to the point.
“... We're going to play a little game. Let me explain... as we speak, Rikku and Ema Skye are tied up in a dark, windowless room like this one. They do have company, though: a bomb.”
Phazon felt a suddenly burst of anger, and his fists clenched until his knuckles started to turn white. “If you hurt them...”
“That's up to you. The bomb can be deactivated with a key.”
“Give it to me!” Phazon demanded.
Chaos Man shrugged in the shadows, and then walked over and slipped a key into Phazon's jacket pocket. He blinked in confusion twice.
“T-That was easy.” Phazon stammered.
“Don't be too happy, pal, I planned to give it to you all along. The real game is finding the girls – they're in a dark, windowless room and that's all the details you get for now. If you want to go looking for them on your own, you can... but you only have one hour from the moment I release you from the energy bonds. So, instead, you can do some . . . favors . . . for me. For every favor your complete, I'll give you a clue. Understood?” Chaos Man's voice dripped with happiness.
Phazon's brow furrowed and his fists clenched. “I don't like being used as a puppet for a psycho.”
Chaos Man snickered. “The difference between now and when Pepper used you is simple; you have a choice this time. If you don't want to be working for me, don't. It'll mean the deaths of Ema and Rikku, but hey, do whatever you want.”
Phazon closed his eyes. “Fine. What do you want me to do?”
Chaos Man laughed loudly for a moment, throwing back his head. “Excellent! Excellent . . . In that case, you just need to transport a package to Teh Park. You'll find your friends there – but you're not allowed to tell them what's going on, or the girls go boom.”
A horrible thought crossed Phazon's mind. A package? Was this part of some sinister plan to hurt his friends? Or was Chaos Man just a crazy freak who wanted to literally play a game? He did not know, and it did not matter; he had no choice.
“Fine. I'll go.” Phazon sighed.
“Goodie! In that case . . . let's play.” Chaos Man vanished into a puff of smoke, and as he did the energy bars around Phazon's ankles and wrists disappeared as well, dropping him to the ground.
Quickly, Phazon jumped up and ran out of the room. He was standing outside of a shipping warehouse down at Teh Docks. A quick look around and he found a large, silver briefcase on the ground with his name written across the side and assumed it had to be the 'package' Chaos Man wanted him to deliver.
Phazon grabbed the briefcase and set off down the road. A unsettling feeling fell over him as he ran. He sensed someone was watching him, and he doubted it was the 'Chaos Man'. He gave a brief sigh and spun around.
And found a large, green zombie towering above him.
“. . . I guess he forgot to mention this part of the game.” Phazon gave a suffering sigh and quickly jumped back as the zombie lurched forward. It was much faster than the movie zombies, a fact that would have inspired a long, irritated tirade from Kimi and Sama.
Phazon only had an hour, so he decided to skip it. He reached for his saber, but as he did large bandages shot from the zombies arms and flew at him like a whirlwind. Even with his enhanced Flan-I speed, he did not have time to dodge it. The bandages hit his chest and quickly wrapped themselves around his arms and legs, making him fall backwards onto the dock.
He looked up and quickly saw the zombie shuffled over, standing directly above him. It roared, and reached towards him. Luckily, as with most heroes with binding over their hands, at the very last possible second he was able to reach his flansaber and flick the switch.
The bright blade blazed to light and burned the bandages away from him. Phazon rolled and then jumped up, flinging himself right at the zombie. It roared once more and a foul smelling cloud of zombie breath, which was actually visible to the naked eye as a green cloud, hit him in the face and sent him back to the ground.
“Ugh. THIS is why I hate the undead.” Phazon groaned, shaking his head and trying to clear the stench. His eyes were watering beneath his glasses, his ears were ringing and he was suddenly off balance. His nose itched and his throat burned.
“Just once I'd like to meet a zombie who knows what mouthwash is!”
The zombie ran over, but even with his head stuck in a funk Phazon managed to swing his saber accurately enough to sever the zombie's left foot, sending him sprawling backwards against one of the shipping buildings.
Phazon climbed up and with a final shake of his head, his senses were restored. The zombie, although reduced to having a single foot, seemed completely undaunted by the entire situation. It charged forward again, running at a slower, more-lopsided pace.
The Flan-I Master jumped to meet him again, but this time he sent a wave of bright blue lightning to meet the monster before it could breath on him. The zombie lit up with a bright electric charge, and as it groaned Phazon slashed twice more.
The zombie staggered back and fell into Teh Bay; its arms were left on the dock. Phazon stole a glance at his watch as he deactivated his saber and he was pleasantly surprised. He had wasted five minutes disposing of the zombie, but it had seemed like much longer when his head was in the daze.
“Can't afford to stand around...” Phazon muttered. He grabbed the briefcase once more and took off for Teh Park. It was actually a short distance – the harbor was close to the K Tower, and Teh Park was not too far from there.
[. . .]
Unknown to most, it was actually a Holiday in Teh City. National Plot Device Day, a celebration where the do-gooers of Teh City gather together in Teh Park for a barbecue. A time for fun, and for advancing whatever insane storyline happens to be going on that day in a highly coincidental way.
“Wow, the news guy was right when he said nobody in Teh City even tries to be serious.” Leaf Green, the newest Flan-I-in-training was in awe of the absurdity around her.
“Aw, come on, it's not that bad is it.” Spoony, who was standing nearby flipping hamburgers on a grill, asked with a raised eyebrow.
“Right now, Avatar and Vidit are having a paintball duel.” Green pointed out. Then, after a brief pause, she added: “Only... instead of paintball guns, they're using energy rifles.”
Spoony blinked and turned his head slightly to the right; where he saw Vidit and Avatar running through the playground equipment, sending bright blue beams of energy at one another from high-tech rifles.
“H-Hey! Don't kill anyone!” Spoony yelled, a sweatdrop forming on his neck.
“Relax, they're stun lasers!” Avatar called back as he dove beneath a swing and fired a blast at Vidit.
The Secret Agent's backpack exploded open to reveal giant metallic spider-legs, which quickly hoisted him high above the danger and let him return fire easily from above. Avatar rolled across the ground until he was under the protect cover of a slide; then he slowly ducked his head out and shot back.
“You're out-matched, Mr. Mask!” Vidit taunted from high above, continuing his rapid-fire assault.
“Pfft! Maybe for now, but I'm about to transform into a swarm of vicious honeybees and consume you like a ravenous mountain cloud!” Avatar retorted.
Vidit blinked. “Can you actually do that?”
Avatar paused. “N-No... It's a figure of speech!”
Spoony shook his head. “Most of the Flan-I are a cakewalk, but Avatar has a way of being almost as hard-to-control as Kimi and Sama.”
“Does that mean you're forfeiting the bet?” On a nearby bench, Crystal and Tazzy were drinking smoothies.
Spoony furrowed his brow. “Why would I forfeit? I'm winning!”
Crystal crossed her arms. “How do you figure that?”
Spoony pointed in the distance. Crystal turned and sighed; in the skies above them, a familiar flying car was spinning wildly out of control. A few seconds passed by, and then the car smashed fender-first into the parking lot at the edge of Teh Park.
The good news was it landed in a parking space. Unfortunately, it was already occupied.
“This is all your fault, you know!” Kimi growled as the roof of her car was ripped off and tossed aside.
“HOW is this POSSIBLY my fault!?” Sama demanded, crawling out the side window. “I TOLD you that I should drive! But nooooooooooooo~!”
Kimi crossed her arms and glared. “Yes! You foresaw this happening, and you let me drive anyway! What kind of an idiot does that!?”
Sama's jaw dropped. “You said you'd hit me with the couch if I didn't give you the keys!”
Kimi shook her head. “YOU'RE FAULT! I'm the star, I can't be to blame.”
Sama paused. “Technically, I think Phazon's the star of this episode...”
Kimi opened her mouth to reply, but closed it again. Apparently she was momentarily stumped – a rare sight for sure. However, after a second she snapped back into her usual sarcasm. “I want an episode about ME! When is that happening?”
Sama blinked. “Um... the next one.”
Kimi shrugged. “Oh. Cool.”
The two paused and looked around. Kimi rubbed her neck and Sama raised one of his eyebrows.
“Okay, where's the friggin' wall?” Sama asked aloud, wondering how they'd gone on this long without being attacked in anger.
“We're outside.” Tazzy pointed out as the hero and the sidekick arrived at the tables.
“... He doesn't appear...” Kimi's voice sounded as if a wonderful revelation had just hit her.
“... If we're outside...?” Sama was practically giddy.
“Heeeeeeeeeey! You two are supposed to be on your BEST behavior until I win this bet!” Crystal reminded them, quickly jumping in front of the two.
“Heh, sorry, we'll do better next tim--” Sama started to say, while rubbing the back of his neck sheepishly. Until Kimi punched him in the head.
“HEY! We're on SPOONY's side, remember?” Kimi demanded.
“Oh? You are?” Crystal asked, crossing her arms.
Spoony stood quietly, but he glanced over.
Sama flushed. “Um... erm... well... see, I... all things considered... um... OH LOOK, Phazon's here, and he has a briefcase!”
In an instant, Sama had ran to the side of Phazon and threw an arm around his shoulder. The sunglass-wearing Flan-I had only just arrived a matter of seconds ago, and instantly he was uncomfortable. Chaos Man, while having not mentioned zombies, had been very clear about not telling anyone what was going on.
“Quick Phazon, do something!” Sama demanded, then he whispered: “No matter what I say, I'll be in major trouble!”
Phazon coughed. “Actually, I'm in kind of in a hurry...” He had no idea how Chaos Man would be contacting him for his next demand, but he doubted it would happen with Sama dragging him towards the others.
Suddenly, he felt a buzzing in his ear, and he heard Chaos Man's voice.
“Relax bud. Go ahead and open up the case for your friends. I'm sure they'll enjoy what's inside.”
Phazon's eyes darted around behind his shades, but no one else seemed to have heard it. He chose his words carefully, to make it sound like he was replying to Sama's earlier inquiry.
“Yeah, alright. I'll show you guys what's in the case...” Phazon said, trying not to seem flustered. Glancing at the group that was now forming beside the picnic tables, no one seemed to notice anything was wrong. Even Avatar and Vidit, who had at length returned to the tables, seemed oblivious.
“Well, come on!” Kimi demanded, crossing her arms in impatience. “Open it up! And don't try pulling a Pulp Fiction on us!”
Phazon, who was as curious as everyone else, slowly sat the briefcase down on the table and glanced around one final time. For a moment, he thought he saw a suspicious eyebrow raise on Spoony's forehead, but a second glance his way revealed a happy-go-lucky expression.
Clicking the lock, Phazon opened the case. As soon as the lid went up, the contents flew out like a rat throwing itself off a sinking ship. Although in this case, the result was far more rewarding.
A gigantic cake sprung forth from the suitcase and landed on the middle of the picnic table, not a single bit of frosting out of place. It broke several of the laws of physics, but no one really seemed to pay attention. (Aside from Green, who was frantically looking around, but decided not to say anything after seeing no one else looked surprised.)
“CAKE!” Kimi jumped up and grinned; any previous sense of annoyance forgotten in a second. “This is by far my favorite part of the job.”
Phazon paled as a loud chatter started about the cake. He clenched his fists tightly and wondered if this was all a psychotic joke for Chaos Man. A glance at his watch told him he'd already lost twenty minutes on the trip here and the insanity he'd run into with his friends.
'Is there even a bomb? Are Rikku and Ema really in danger? . . . I can't risk it. Even if I don't understand, I can't let them down.'
Phazon crossed his arms, feeling his anger rising but unable to openly express it. Suddenly, his ear buzzed once more and he heard the voice that no one else seemed to notice.
“Excellent. Now, like I said, I'll give you a hint. Remember the shipping docks where you woke up? Heh . . . one of the sixty-some warehouses on those docks IS the dark, windowless place where I have them locked up. Wasn't it fun to waste that much time when you started out so close? I thought so.” Chaos Man informed him.
Phazon felt like screaming, but he kept it inside. He knew he had to get back to the shipping warehouse right away. “I, erm, have to go . . . the girls are waiting for me.”
Without endeavoring to explain himself further, Phazon turned and walked out of Teh Park. As soon as he was out of eye-shot of his friends, he broke into a brisk run. He was running much lower on time than he wanted to be, and it seemed the entire errand was a gigantic trick.
“... Anybody else think he was acting weird?” Tazzy wondered, crossing her arms.
“I think ALL of this is weird.” Her apprentice, Leaf Green, groaned and put her head on the table.
“Eh. Probably something evil going on.” Kimi reasoned. “I'll deal with it . . . as soon as someone cuts this cake! I'm not waiting for the rest of you any longer if it doesn't happen right now!”
On Kimi's demand, Spoony grabbed a large knife from his cooking apron and touched it to the top of the cake. The second it cut into the frosting, there was a massive explosion that sent crumbs, icing and sprinkles all over the clothes and hair of everyone in a twenty foot radius.
Luckily, the sprinkles were the single most dangerous thing that hit the group of heroes.
“. . . DUDE!” Sama complained loudly, wiping frosting from his hair. “I cannot believe Phazon just played a trick like that on all of us! Cold.”
“... Cold, yes, but delicious.” Kimi replied, having instantly cleaned her face of the cake. “I really love getting my super powers from cake!”
Vidit, who endeavored to get the frosting off his shirt, frowned. “Beats a radioactive spider bite, I suppose.”
“Spider?” Sama meekly looked around, suddenly fearful.
Spoony suddenly stepped forward, his arms crossed and a dark look in his eyes. “Something isn't right, you guys. Phazon was acting strange... and he's smart enough to know if he's going to pull a prank, not to use cake.”
Kimi nodded. “Yeah, it's one thing to try to kill me, but when you mess with cake, that's crossing a sacred line. Ass-kicking is the only suitable punishment!” She pounded her fist into her hand.
“Wait.” Spoony replied, glaring in Kimi's direction, although his fury was not aimed at her. He stared past her, towards the way Phazon had ran. “Something was wrong. I don't think this was a prank, and I don't think it was his idea, either.”
Crystal nodded. “You might be right. Something was just not right about the way he was acting . . . I think he was under some kind of duress.”
“OH! Body snatchers! Or Yeerks! Or Pod People! Or Crazy Mayan ghosts that have come seeking revenge against Spain!” Avatar began rambling off a long list of possible, although incredibly unlikely explanations.
“... I really hate to interrupt, especially at these incredibly insane moments that always leave me uneasy,” Vidit started. “But if something IS wrong, then he may need our help. He mentioned the 'girls were waiting for him', could it be some kind of code?”
Tazzy leaned back a bit, pondering as she answered. “Well, usually Ema and Rikku are with him, right? Maybe . . . it was some kind of clue. Maybe they're in trouble.”
“THEY were possessed by the vengeful spirit of Wilford Brimley!” Avatar suggested.
Sama blinked. “Okay, hold on! First, I'm pretty sure he's still alive, although I'm not sure how I know that. Secondly, what is the deal with all the crazy conspiracy theories?”
Avatar shrugged. “Eh, I'm just throwing out possibilities for the origin story of the next major villain, ya know?”
“... I'm pretty sure whatever the back story, it won't involve Mayan Graveyards or Wilford Brimley.” Vidit said, and then he paused. “... I hope.”
“Shouldn't we go after him?” Kimi suggested, as usual, bored stiff by the mountains of conversation that always preceded a mission.
“No.” Crystal shook her head. “Phazon is one of the top Flan-I. If someone is threatening him or the girls, they've got to have serious skills; and they'll know we're on to them if they see Kimi and Sama follow him.”
“So what do we do?” Leaf Green asked.
Crystal turned to the Spoon. “Can you still hit people with thunder and transform them into other people?”
Spoony nodded. “Yeah. I've got all sorts of crazy powers that I never get to use. Who am I transforming, and into what?”
[. . .]
While his friends had been 'discussing' the situation, Phazon was running back towards the shipping yards. He made even better time on the way back than he had coming; but he was still anxious. He had less than half and hour before the bomb would supposedly go off, and there were over sixty buildings to check.
He ran down the row of shipping buildings, but it was taking too long. He had to run to each warehouse and open the door; but many of them were locked and even glancing inside them it was too dark to see.
Turning around, he decided he had to take a different tactic. However, as he turned around, he saw something that caused a groan.
It was the zombie, thought slightly changed. His skin had turned from green to blue, and the missing foot was replaced with metal. His missing arms had been replaced too . . . with chainsaws.
“. . . Now that's just wrong.” Phazon groaned.
“You want to know what's wrong? Cutting off my arms and my foot! That's incredibly shifty of you, you ruffian!” The zombie growled, staring daggers at Phazon.
Phazon blinked. “You, um, can talk? . . . and with a dignified-sounding European accent no less!”
“Indeed.” The zombie replied. “Now, have at you!”
That said, the zombie let out a loud roar and the chainsaws on his arms blazed to life. He crashed them together over his head, showering sparks in every direction, and then he charged at Phazon and tried to hack him to bits.
Phazon jumped back and shot a bolt of lightning. It hit the chainsaws, but it was deflected into various directions and channeled away from the zombie's body and did not so much as slow down the zombie.
As the chainsaws flew at his face, Phazon jumped back and avoided them narrowly. He flashed out his flansaber and struck the chainsaws, knocking them away and burning a few of the large blades down.
“Alright, let's try something new.” Phazon decided. He jumped straight up, and as the zombie stared up at him in the air, he threw his saber down. The chainsaws knocked it aside, but in the split seconds as the zombie blocked against them, Phazon fired a bright beam of lightning at the zombie's left elbow, right where the saw connected to it.
There was an explosion and the chainsaw fell off its left arm, knocking into the right one and dropping that chainsaw to the ground. The zombie staggered backwards and, once again, bumped into a railing and toppled over into the bay below.
“He better not come back...” Phazon paused, and looked around. “I'M SERIOUS! No more crazy-arms zombie! It's not cool anymore, and there's no way it can become cool!”
His annoyance had not yet subsided, but a glance at his watch told him there was no time. He had less than twenty minutes left before the bomb would go off. Had there been commercials, he would have already been too late.
Turning, he looked about the shipping dock and frantically tried to come up with a plan that would help him find the girls in the sliver of time he had left. As his head swiveled around, glancing at the buildings, he saw four other life forms.
Sadly none of them were Ema or Rikku. Instead, two of them were a young man in a blue Hawaiian shirt and a black space helmet next to a younger male in a jacket with a crazy jester symbol on the back. Darth CHoW and Chaos Halberd.
The other two? A eight-year-old blond girl with pigtails and pink shoes and her fuzzy-furred dog that stood beside her.
“Great, not only am I running out of time and running INTO the new version of the gruesome twosome, but there's innocent kids and pets around.” Phazon rubbed his forehead with his thumb and forefinger.
“You forgot to complain about Halberd and I stealing Avatar and Vidit's paralysis rifles.” CHoW informed him, as the two Fallen Flan-I produced the energy rifles from behind them. Phazon, who had not been there to see the energy sparring earlier could only ask one question.
“... What are you talking about, and how did you steal those when you weren't there either?”
The fourth wall, while absent from this story, would like me to point out that Phazon's “one question” was actually two.
I'd like to point out to the fourth wall that that fact was completely obvious to everyone, and he clearly is not smarter than a fourth grader.
Thank you. This random interlude brought to you by Fishy Joe's. Try our new Popplers!
And by Vitametavegimin, which is offering a thousand points of win to anyone who can name both references without google's help.
Halberd shrugged. “We work for the Chaos Man now, our entire existence is to do the chaotic and the unexpected. So it doesn't matter if it doesn't make sense . . . in fact, it's essential that it not make sense.”
CHoW coughed. “I work WITH Chaos Man, not FOR.”
Phazon shook his head. “And I don't care . . . although if you are working for that freak, you probably know which warehouse Ema and Rikku are in, don't you?”
The Sith Lord nodded. “Of course! And if you do as you're told, I'll tell you. If not . . .” CHoW held up a small remote. “I can detonate that bomb early for ya.”
“What NOW? Another exploding, but harmless cake?” Phazon demanded.
“Naw.” Halberd turned to his side and picked up a large, cylindrical cannon. It looked like a giant tube of PVC pipe, but it had been transformed into a kind of electrical laser cannon using a crude, but highly advanced technology.
“This time, all you have to do is blow up a tower.” CHoW snickered.
Phazon crossed his arms. “Are you serious? THAT is Chaos Man's big, unexpected plan? Blowing up the K Tower? I have to give your boss credit, CHoW, at least he's being original and interesting.”
Rather than the annoyed answer Phazon had expected, CHoW laughed. “I never said the K Tower. Nope. This time, it's the SPOON Tower. The Mayor's Office is a shining beacon to everyone in this city that good always wins and things always go back the way they were in the end, whether its the ghost of a soft drink, crazy caped future freaks or really awesome villains in really awesome helmets.”
Phazon did not have time to reply to CHoW's incredibly self-serving view of the world. He clenched his eyes beneath his sunglasses. This was bad.
That Tower, even if currently occupied by someone else, was still a monument to everything the Spoon had done since founding Teh City. It truly was a beacon that justice would prevail, and that even when there were substantial changes like new faces, or side-switching characters or romantic subplots, when the dust settled the spirit of things would always be the same.
“Oh yeah, I'm the self-serving one.” CHoW rolled his eyes.
Phazon was at an impossible decision. Destroying the Spoon Tower was something he could not do. The Spoon was his oldest friend, they had trained together beneath Pepper and they still had a regular board game match once a week. He could not betray him.
At the same time, the Phazon Anything Agency had signed both Ema and Rikku on as clients, and he considered them very dear friends. He could not allow them to die because of his actions, or lack-thereof.
“. . . I think I liked Chaos Man better when he was pulling pranks.” Phazon whispered.
“He never was.” Chaos Halberd snapped back. “The cake thing was just a build up to throw you off guard. CM likes to throw dramatic monkey wrenches into things at the last minute. It's pretty much his MO.”
CHoW shrugged. “I'm bored. You can get all angsty later, Phazo. For now, something is blowing up; the tower or the women. You're choice.”
Suddenly, CHoW yelped out in pain as the teeth of the shaggy-haired dog sunk into his exposed ankle. (The ultimate danger of being a super villain in sandals.) In his pain, he threw his arms up and the detonator flew from his grasp.
Halberd dove for it, but the little blond girl caught it first.
“Hand it over, kid.” Halberd demanded.
“Screw you, jerkwad!” The 'kid' delivered a kick to Halberd's stomach that sent him flying into the wall of a nearby shipping warehouse, then instantly spun around and kicked CHoW in the chest.
CHoW, after pulling himself up from the debris (he had crashed into a overflowing trash can) gasped. “There's only one girl in this city THAT annoying and strong enough to kick my ass!-- KIMI!”
“Uh, ya THINK?” Kimi crossed her arms.
CHoW made a whimpering sound beneath his helmet. “You . . . You look ridiculous!” He suddenly started laughing uncontrollably. “You're all tiny and you're blond! And with pig tails no less! This almost makes up for every time you've broken one of my bones!”
Kimi glared. “That's it, I'm not rooting for Spoony anymore in this stupid bet!”
“Ruff! Ruff!” The dog barked at her.
“Oh please, we all know why you're on her side.” Kimi rolled her eyes.
“R-Ruff . . .” The dog sweat dropped.
CHoW blinked, and then he laughed even harder. “Let me guess? Sama Doo? Ha . . . HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! Oh, oh that was so witty!”
“Ruff Roo Rhow!” Sama 'barked'.
“. . . You know, if I didn't know any better...” CHoW glared.
Suddenly, from behind them, Kimi the Kid and Sama Doo too were blasted with beams of blue energy, knocking them to the ground. They were perfectly conscious, but unable to move at all.
“OH CRAP!” Kimi growled. “Getting turned into a kid means I suddenly suck at fighting!”
“Ruff! Ruff! Ruuuuuuuff!” Sama whimpered.
Chaos Halberd ran over, his rifle still smoking from the shots. He grinned and turned on Phazon; and CHoW picked his rifle back up and pointed it as well.
Phazon groaned. He was running out of time to save the girls, and now he had to save Kimi and Sama too. He knew he could outfight CHoW and Halberd, but he feared that it would take too long.
There was just one thing he could do.
“Phazon! Why do you intend on covering up your greater powers?”
The trainee Phazon was standing in a grassy field. Not far away, a in-training Spoony was leaning against a tree, having already completely his daily exercises. Phazon was not yet finished – and it had caught the attention of their Master.
“I don't want to rely on that.” Phazon replied.
“Don't want to...?” Pepper seemed confused. “You have an incredible gift, Phazon! You need to use it to make yourself stronger!”
Phazon sighed and reached up, removing his sunglasses, a thing he never did. As they fell away, they revealed a pair of bright blue eyes with solid white pupils in the shape of a swirling star.
“. . . Oh crap.” CHoW groaned. “I did not know he was the obligatory 'crazy-eye-guy' for this series.”
Phazon gave a small smirk. “You're right, CHoW. I am. I have a rather unique ability . . . I can absorb almost any type of energy into my body. It increases my powers to a level you can't possibly imagine.”
CHoW crossed his arms. “I'll believe it when I see it.”
Phazon raised his right arm and a blue glow engulfed his glove; then it shot forward and smashed into Halberd, sending him flying backwards, bouncing over the dock all the way to the other end of the shipping yard, and off the side into the bay.
CHoW blinked, and in that moment he noticed that the right flap of his helmet had been eaten away by the blast of light. “Oh crap, you were serious.”
Kimi, although unable to fight, did glance at the dog and speak. “Hey. If he had these crazy uber-eye absorbing powers all along, how come he never used them against us when Pepper corrupted him?”
“Ruff! Ruffy, Ruf, Ruff, Ruff, Ruffy, Rooff!” Sama replied.
“Oh! That makes perfect sense and leaves absolutely no potential for plot holes!” Kimi grinned.
Phazon stepped forward. “For the last few years, I've hated using these powers. It was my ability to absorb energy that got me into so much trouble. Pepper tricked me into absorbing his evil energies. But ya know what, CHoW? You can go tell your boss that his plan worked. Something DID change . . . I'm going back to the Flan-I Order, and I'm going to use every last trick I have to defeat you and the rest of those freaks.”
CHoW blinked. “Somehow, I don't think that's what the boss . . . I MEAN, My partner, had in mind.”
Phazon raised his arms and then threw them down; a blast of energy shot from either side of him, like a consuming tidal wave. It sent CHoW flying right off the edge of the docks, to join Halberd.
Then he turned his sights on the shipping warehouses, and in a second he dashed forward at incredible speeds to a warehouse at the very end. He knocked the door down, and inside were his two assistants Rikku and Ema.
Reaching into his pocket, he took out the key and dropped next to the bomb. Suddenly, though, out of fear of one last trick from Chaos Man, he threw the key away and blasted the bomb with a ray of energy. It dissolved away, becoming harmless dust.
“Whoa.” Rikku blinked. “You've got crazy swirly eyes too!”
Phazon sweat dropped and fell over. He quickly grabbed his sunglasses and threw them back on, making the energy vanished from his body.
“... That fall wasn't because of Rikku, was it?” Ema asked.
“N-No,” Phazon breathed, and his voice sounded strained. “I can only use that power for so long... my eyes constantly absorb energy from the world around me. It's nearly unlimited power, but it also has the nasty side effect that it could destroy my body.”
Ema and Rikku exchanged glances.
“Man, that's a pretty big side effect.” Rikku sweat dropped.
“Scientifically impossible, but... so is most of what I see around this town.” Ema admitted, tapping her chin.
Phazon snickered softly. “I guess you two are fine... good... then there shouldn't be anything else to worry about...”
“I wouldn't say that, chap.”
The voice from behind him made Phazon turn around, and he gasped at what he saw, and this time he could not hold back his anger. “OH COME ON!”
It was the zombie. The same zombie he'd defeated twice before. It had turned red this time, and it now had cannons grafted onto its arms instead of chainsaws.
“. . . This is stupid.” Phazon growled. “There's nothing cool about that!”
Suddenly, the zombie fired one of the cannons. Rikku quickly pushed Phazon out of the way, barely keeping them both safe from being chopped up by the projectile – a chainsaw.
“. . . Cannons . . . that shoot chainsaws.” He blinked, looking at the chainsaw that he'd only just avoided seconds earlier. “That is cool . . . and I hate that I just admitted that.”
“Now, then, I'm going to finish this little scuffle of ours once and for all.” The zombie groaned in his refined voice once more, stepping forward and aiming the cannons.
“YO! Catch, crazy-eyes!” Kimi's voice rang out, and although the zombie turned and shot chainsaws at her, it was too late to help him. She had already thrown something at Phazon – the large pipe-shaped cannon that CHoW had tried to give him before.
Phazon, summoning the last of his strength, jumped to his knees, caught the cannon and aimed it at the zombie. The zombie turned back to him and aimed his own cannon hands.
“You're too weak to dodge my chainsaw cannon!” The zombie insisted.
“I am.” Phazon confirmed, a little smile on his face.
The zombie fired; so did Phazon. The energy beam destroyed both chainsaws in mid-air, and the half-mechanical zombie with them. This time, there was nothing left to come back.
Phazon collapsed onto his back from exhaustion.
Ema blinked, her eyes were wide and she looked scared, shocked and excited all at once. “H-How did you know you could get away with that!?”
Phazon shrugged weakly. “I figure if that cannon could blow up the Spoon Tower, it could take out some chainsaws. And if not... I'd have been one irritated flantom.”
On the roof of the Phazon Anything Agency, Spoony and Phazon were sitting in lawn chairs.
“Hey. Thanks for not blowing up my Tower.” The Great Spoon added.
“Yeah, no problem.” Phazon shrugged, and then he winced. “So, you going to give me a job in the Order?”
Spoony nodded. “Yeah, that'll work... but YOU'd better be rooting for me in the bet.”
Phazon snickered. “You lost Kimi's support, eh?”
Spoony gave a sigh. “Yeah... but I think she likes me not being able to tell her what to do. I still get to boss Sama around, though, so that's something.”
The Spoon paused. “... Although... now that I think about the two of them, I can't help but feel like I forgot something...”
“Roof! Ruff! Rhis Ris Ridiculous!”
“... We'd better turn back soon, or I'm going to bash some skulls.”
Woo! It feels so good to write this again. :D
I'd love to say the next episode will be done in three days or less . . . but apparently I suck at keeping on a schedule anymore. XD And I need to get caught up in RPs, and work on another SK&WS which is being co-made by AGOI, and there's also the fact I haven't been out of the house or played video games since my disappearing act. So... yeah.
Next episode WILL BE SOON! :D And in that next episode, we're introduced to Kimi's elder brother, Sama's grandparents and a trip down memory lane, when we'll see the event that inspired Kimi and Rush to try out for the super hero jobs in the first place! Plus: Squiggles, the talking Hamster!
All that, except for Squiggles, on the next insanity-inducing episode of [SK&WS]!
Episode 2009-05: Family Is Annoying!